Allergies and Dreams

For the past week, I've been skipping Swim Practice. It's not because I don't want to swim, don't get me wrong, I love swimming! But, I've been skipping because I wanted to get this job that my mom no longer wants me to go for. Oh well. I'll do it when I'm not living under my parents roof. Haha, what a rebellious child I am..

I made me mom angry last week. I forgot what I did. But, she's not letting go out anymore, and so I can't go anywhere. I was thinking of walking to the fabric store today, I had something in mind that I wanted to make. It's not cosplay, surprisingly. I hope I can sneak out for about thirty minutes to go grab some fabric..

Yesterday, after I came home from school, my brother and sister called me down to help dry our rabbit Roy. I've been wary of Roy before, because I'm allergic to him. My eyes get really itchy and I start sneezing, etc. But I didn't pay heed to that. I sat down and fluffed his wet fur while my brother aimed the hairdryer at him, drying him up after his bath. After an hour of my sister and I trading off, I started sneezing. Uh oh. So what did I do? Obviously, I told my sister I had to go, and went upstairs to watch some of my drama.

I fell asleep, and after that, my mom woke me up around seven o'clock. Apparently, it was my Dad's birthday today, and everyone (my brother, sister, mom, and I) had to go downstairs to eat and sing happy birthday.. and get fat off birthday cake. Did I mention before I fell asleep, my eyes were really itchy, so I rubbed them a couple times? BIG mistake. I went downstairs feeling like crap and my mom comments on how swollen my eyes look. I grab my bowl of noodles and sit down in the living room and my sister says.. "Ewww" At this point, I'm like.. wtf, and my dad comes downstairs and we sing happy birthday, etc.

After all that was done, I went back upstairs to see.. Efff, my eyes were really swollen, and I looked like a freaking alien.. I never wanna play with Roy again, but he's so cute.. I have no idea what I'm going to do..

So, after all that, I went to bed for the night. I just woke up. I had a dream about receiving an e-mail from my host family on what school I was going to, who was in my host family, etc. This is driving me insane. I don't want to wait anymore, but I have to because all the applications are probably still being processed. Every time I think about it, I get scared. I start doubting whether I'm good or not to get in, and I worry. I really don't want a letter telling me I didn't get the scholarship. It would be so great if I could get the full scholarship, but there are probably tons of people who applied who are way, way better than I am. God, I hate thinking about whether I got the scholarship or whether I'm going to Japan or not. I guess I only have about two months left to go.. Halfway there.. It's been so long since January, I guess March and April will take even longer to be done with.

Anna -1 calculator.

I was putting my stuff away for school today. I was looking through the bag I carried with me to the SATs to grab my pencil case and calculator. I just found out I left my calculator at the classroom I was taking it in. Fuck.

Encore!

Oh goodness, it was such a fun week this week! Kind of.

Well, Friday was really fun. After school, Julie and I went back to my house and we went to Vinci Park, looking for a four-leafed clover on the way. (We actually never did find it..) While we were at Vinci Park, I was on the swings and we also saw a class out, but we weren't sure if it was a class or not. It was around 3:30, and I was thinking that classes never extend until the afternoon.. especially not elementary classes! The little kids were adorable, and as they were playing, we noticed that the girls were playing on one side and the boys were on the jungle gym, and we laughed, trying to remember if that was what we did when we were in elementary school.

Julie got a text from Joanna saying the he was at Subways, so we decided to head on over there, dropping by my house first, to pick up her stuff. After we were really close to Subways-we were on Berryessa- Joanna calls. Turns out, he ran home to pee. That loser. Yeah, so we stopped by Starbucks and got some drinks and started walking down towards Lundy. When we got to his house, his mom was in the front yard watering plants. After that, we walked towards Townsend park to play with this misty thingy. It was really fun. But! On the way to Townsend, we had to cross the street, and during that crossing, Joanna stopped right in the middle of the street and danced! It was hilarious! As we walked towards townsend park after that, a car drove by us with a whole bunch of guys clapping. I swear. THAT was the highlight of my day!

Joanna was so embarrassed after that.. it was really funny. When we got to the park, me and Julie sat on the tire swing and Joanna spun us around. HOLY CRAP. THAT THING GOES FAST. He wasn't helping any because he kept pushing the tire. I swear, me and Julie almost fell off! It was terribly scary! We started walking home at around 5:30 and Joanna walked me and Julie all the way back to my house, near Flickinger. Then after he dropped us off, Julie's dad had to pick her up, so she left and I was left.. all alone. -tear-

I finished my beret that night! BUT, I feel so stupid because I stayed up until 12 midnight.. and I had the SATs the morning after! Oh dear.

Saturday morning, my alarm woke me up at 6, I turned it off, went back to sleep! My mum came up to wake me up around 6:30.. and I think I fell asleep after. Around 7, I heard my mom ask if I was ready or not.. I rushed out of bed to brush my teeth, brush my hair.. yeah. I left the house around 7:30 to take the SATs at Andrew Hill. I met Phuong at the school! Turns out, she was taking the SAT test at Andrew Hill too! She ended up in the classroom next to mines, and we would talk during our breaks.

After the long test (I mean.. LONG. It started at 8 and ended ten minutes before 1) My mom drove me to In-N-Out and I ate a double-double with fries and Root Beer. Mmm..

Then proceeded to watch Mei-chan no Shitsuji, Glass Mask, and Hana Yori Dango Korea. Yeah. Dramas are the reason why I have no life.. I also finished a red beret! I learned to crochet Thursday night. I finished it and then went to bed around 2 AM in the morning. I think my alarm went off at 6 and my dad came up to my room, unplugged it and threw it at me, onto my bed.. I was half-asleep and he was yelling at me about my alarm.. Fail.

Yeah, so now it's Sunday, Jenny just dropped my wig off, and I still have a ton of homework to do, I have no idea what time it is because my clock's still on my bed.. and I better get started on what I'm supposed to be doing, lest I start to fail my classes, and never be able to go to Japan on a scholarship. I'm still waiting for YFU's letter, which won't come until late April. The anticipation is killing me. And I just lost the game.

Emotional Rant

This entry is SRSBZNS. For realz. Lots of depressing undertones. If you don't want to get depressed.. well, don't read it.

It's.. been a while hasn't it? One month to be exact. So much has happened in the span of one month. I can't even begin to describe all the things that have gone on, drama and that such. I'm still waiting for that letter from YFU. About three weeks ago, I was called out to do an interview with a volunteer with YFU and we met up at Starbucks to have the interview. Nothing much too exciting happened, it was just her firing questions and me answering them and trying to go in depth. I was supposed to go watch Coraline with my friends that day around four (my interview was at seven). I didn't go. They did. It kind of hurt, but this past month has been so.. crazy. I've kind of learned to let go. It hurts to think about painful things, but if I block it out.. it can't hurt me. I'm glad I'm thick-skinned, but I know of at least one person that can get under that thick skin and hurt me beyond recognition. It'd break me.

Said person seems to keep so many thing away from me now. I know that person doesn't mean to, but to seclude me, to brush off the topic like it's no big deal.. It's like rubbing salt into my freshly cut wounds. I haven't had time to heal them yet, and everything seems to be spiraling out of control. Not enough time, not enough time. I keep thinking that if only I had time, if only I was braver I could get past this. We have already reconciled and I must admit, it made our bond so much stronger, but now it seems that something bigger, something more ominous is coming, and it's like acid that can melt even the most sturdiest of metals..

By this time, it might be obvious as to who I am talking about, but if not, then that's okay too. I'm just really tired right now. I'm so sick. I'm sick because of stress, because of lack of sleep. I'm also hurt that I see said person not listening to my advice. I honestly care for that person's health, but to disregard it, to push their body to the limit.. Doesn't that person know I am nothing without them? The only reason I'm here, able to type this message is because that person is here, sharing the same sky.

It may sound kind of creepy to know how much I depend on this person, and I know it's a huge burden that I am putting on one individual, but.. I just can't let anyone else see me for who I am. It's too painful to bare my heart for anyone else to see except that person, and when they dismiss me with a brush of the hand or a change of topics, my heart aches. It hurts so bad, I know it's all in my head, but it feels like my heart is being pulled in hundreds of different directions, and it just strains my chest.

I'm kind of upset right now, can't you tell? Must be the cold working it's way into my body.. That, and I also started a manga in where this couple falls in love, and all these complications arise. I'm at the point where the girl slit her wrists because of many things that have gone on, things that make it so that she just can't see any reason in living. I know it's not good to drown myself on sorrow, and I know that this is stupid to be wallowing over a fictional character's problems, but thinking back on a particular person and all the things that have gone on just this month have made me a bit insane.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't cry. Don't hate me. Please, don't throw me out like Yesterday's news. To be completely honest, I have nothing without you, and I come baring my heart to you, for you to see, for you to see how I've been this past month. All these awkward moments, I don't want this anymore. I wish life were simpler. I wish it weren't so rainy. I wish it was just me and you in the sandbox, piling sand into a castle fit for princesses and princes. I wish it were just that simple.. I feel like crying for thinking of all this depressing stuff..

Chalk it up to the medicine for making me think such strange thoughts--I'm sorry.