Tears Keep Falling

Hey guys, so I'm back at home now, but I'm feeling more and more miserable and sad. I haven't had time to start updating my other blog, but I just felt like right now, all I want to do is rant.. and rant and rant all my tears and frustrations away. I know that ya'll would rather read something more interesting, but it's just so hard to keep these feelings inside that I need to vent it out, and I can only take it out here on this blog, for I fear to hurt others feelings.

Well, I got back in California at maybe around ten in the morning? I waited at baggage claim for about an hour with all my YFU friends that I had made at SJSU orienation. Everyone's going their separate ways and it's just so hard to fully realize this.. I don't know how to explain it, it was literally parting ways because everyone lives in different states. Karen went back to Fremont I think.. which is kind of close, but Andrea went back to New York. Yeeling is still in Miyako, six thousands miles of ocean separating me and her.. and my Miyako friends too.

Did I mention I found a crush over the summer? I know it's not that big of a deal, but for me it was. This summer has been so fun, so exciting.. so much of a dream, and I fear that all the pictures and the memories I made are going to be forgotten. Memories are intangible. It's hard to keep believing they were real. My brain will forever try to beautify my memories of Miyako, and I may sound like a sap, but right now, I'm about crying my eyes out remembering the six weeks I spent in Miyako.

Well, not only am I missing Miyako, but I come back, I try calling friends and find out everyone's doing something. I guess that's the saying "Life goes on and time stops for no one." That may be true, but I guess I was hoping at least someone would say, "Anna, welcome home, I missed you, too." I mean, I may sound like an attention whore for saying this, but I was gone for six weeks.. Did no one miss me? Of course my mother and father, but that's to be expected.

I come back and feel like a puzzle piece that has fallen out and won't fit back into the picture. It's a hard feeling to describe. Maybe I'm just down in the dumps, maybe I'm being irrational. Maybe what I'm feeling is justified. I just don't feel like I fit in anymore. Where's my real home? I don't fit in in either world.. Did I impact the lives of my friends in Miyako? Did I make an impact in the lives of the YFU students and staff that I came into contact with? Will I remembered? Will I be a memory long forgotten?

The frustration of coming back home and hearing close to nothing from my friends.. Yeah sure, I got the "Hey Anna, you're back!" But that's really not what I want to hear. It reminds me too much of the home I left only days ago. What I really wanted to hear was, "Hey Anna, you're back, it must've been hard? I missed you. Let's hang for a while." My expectations may be high. I don't feel like I've changed, but maybe I have. I feel like people here have forgotten me, or maybe have changed by far too much. I feel like I don't belong.

My greatest fear is no longer the dark. It is the fear of forgetting and being forgotten. Memories are intangible. Memories fade. Sometimes memories are made more and more beautiful in the mind of the person, and when they are met with the real situation, it is no longer up to their expectations. Why does it have to be so hard? It's going to take a while to adjust. I just wish I had more support from friends. The people who really matter to me.. I feel like they no longer care. Family is always there, and maybe I take it for granted, but I really put my friends above family. I unconciously did it in Miyako, and I know I will continue to place friends above family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're reading this, I need someone to tell me I matter. Tell me you're still thinking of me. Tell me I'm not a forgotten memory. Tell me I'm a person. Tell me I'm alive. Confirm my existence because I can't do it for myself.

Happy Birthday, Julie. I'm sorry I can't spend it with you. I'm sorry that I didn't have anything planned. I'm sorry I'm a spontaneous person. I'm sorry I have to say all these things out so that you'll understand my feelings. I'm sorry.