It's too early for this.

The date for my cousin's wedding approaches ever closer. Slowly. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It's only in.. six days. I can't believe it myself. So, for my cousin's wedding obviously, I'd need a dress, no? Me and my sister went to buy a dress with my mom today.

Results? Terrible.

Two weeks before, I had gone with my mom and sister to Macy's, and lo and behold, what did we find there? Me and my sister ended up choosing the same exact dress, which was why the much needed shopping date today was scheduled.

We decided to head to the Great Mall.

Walked around a little bit, went into some stores to see their dress selections. And Ah! We found a nice store with some nice dresses. After about half an hour of trying dresses on, I finally had narrowed my choices down to only one. Only one dress which looked gorgeous. It wasn't a long flowy dress that looked elegant and formal.. but at the same time, it wasn't like a miniskirt that would flip at the slightest wind..

And SO. We went to the cashier and the lady put it in. It came out to a whooping 118.99 dollars. My mom decided to be cheap, if that's what you call it, anyways. She was like.. "Oh, since I'm paying with cash do you think you can give me a discount?" and the lady told us that the most she could discount it was 10%. It came down to 108.09 and then my mom was like.. "Oh, since I'm paying with cash, I'm going to pay you 100 dollars for that." The lady at this point was kinda giving us a WTF face, but it was still okay. BUT, THEN, my mom found a small INSEY WEENSY LITTLE BROKEN TTHREAD. She started scratching it, pulling it. I was getting pissed off. I knew she would use this as an excuse to lower the dress's price even MORE.

At this point, I walked out of the store with my sister in tow. Hoping for the best, I stayed outside of the shop, hoping that it would be okay. That everything would be alright. My mom came out of the shop, purse in hand and no bag in the other.. say what? Rewind. No bag? That's right, she came out of the store WITHOUT the dress.

At this point, I have to stop and wonder WHAT THE HELL DID SHE SAY?

Not only did she rip the store off of $20, but after that, she came out with NOTHING.

Turns out she was pissed off at the FUCKING BAG the store gave her. ARE YOU SERIOUS? FOR A FUCKING DRESS?! Do any of you guys know how frustrating and upsetting it was for me? I thought that dress was gorgeous, was beautiful, as PERFECT for the wedding.

I cried the whole way out of the mall. Mascara and eye-liner runny, I kept wiping at my eyes, the tears relentlessly falling down my cheeks. It was so embarrassing. IT IS SO EMBARRASSING to have a mother like this. Why?

It just makes me so angry every time I go shopping with her. And then she starts yelling at me in the car, telling me that the dress didn't look good on my anyways, that I was as fat as a pig and that I needed to pick a dress with more "class". What the fuck. I might as well wear jeans and t-shirt to the wedding. I don't even feel like going anymore. First she refused to pay. Second she puts the blame on me, insulting me. I feel so upset and frustrated and I just want someone I can cry this all out to.

I don't even want to look or talk to my mom. It frustrates me that much.
I'm mad. I'm upset. I just want to cry.

I haven't posted in.. a long while, which must be surprising, or not. Some people know me better than others, haha.

The search for the "me" of the future has not ended. I'm still wandering aimlessly, but at least it's a start from standing completely still..

The new year has started.. nothing exciting has happened.. water polo practice is everyday after school. My class schedule is quite fun. I've had a lot of time to start settling in, and I think today's year will be pretty chill. I have some scary teachers, but it's not that bad, I can deal. French is going to be a lot more fun than I think. I'm actually really interested in French.. and as for what sparked me to pursue more literacy in it.. I started listening to Feuilles Mortes by Yves Montand again. I listened to the song two years ago, and didn't understand a lick of it, but now that I've matured in the language, I can understand, which makes me want to learn more and more! I'm so excited!

Math.. ugh, Calculus BC. Bummer. I'm gunna have to really focus this year if I want to get that "A" and "5" on my AP test and in class. It's not that bad though. Copes is as cool as ever, and my classmates are pretty cool too, so I won't have such a hard time.

I'm taking Jewelry and Sewing this year, and I can feel my creative juices flowing already. So much I want to do.. and yet there is so little time to realize all of it. I'm just excited that I get to learn the basics and start on something that I plan to pursue as a hobby in the future..

I've also taken to learning guitar, and today, we went to go buy a guitar from some dude who put his ad up on craigslist. The guitar was actually for my brother, but I tagged along anyways. The thing is though..

Am I being too pushy? I overheard my brother talking to my mom and sister. He went on about how I have violin, my sister has bass, and him starting guitar. He doesn't want me to learn guitar because apparently, it's his "thing." Why can't it be my thing too? I mean, I already know how to play violin and piano, wouldn't be obvious that I want to learn guitar too? I mean, there so many MORE instruments I want to learn.. What's up with my bro's jealousy? It's not like I'm going to take his guitar when he's practicing, so what's with the selfishness?

Urgh, it just makes me angry and sad.. and so many other feelings that my own brother can't even understand me. It's not like I'm trying to be better than him. If I am.. well, he can just suck it. It's not my fault.

Urrgghh. I hate this. Anyways. Back to my life? I dunno, it's pretty dull except for the occasional, "Oh my gosh!" moment..

My cousin's getting married on the 26th! So, yesterday, me and my sister went to go dress shopping with my mother. We happened to pick the same dress because we both thought it looked gorgeous.. well, I guess we do share the same genes afterall. I'm thinking that whatever dress I buy for the wedding will be my homecoming dress, so I've got to choose carefully! Anyways, I guess that's all for now.

Mediocre

So, I just realized today, my life has no meaning.

How, oh how did I ever come up with this?

Whether I'm eating, shopping, walking, or even going to practice.. I don't get any enjoyment from any of that stuff. Why did I join Water Polo? "Because I like the sport and wanted to get better!" Is the answer most people would reply with.. For me, that's not the case. It's another one of my ploys to seem normal, to seem like I have something to do. When in reality.. I honestly could care less.

My life has no direction. I have no goals. You're probably tired of hearing this.. but I constantly feel this way.

I really like to sew and draw, but I know without a doubt in my mind, I am not good enough, to even think about looking for a career in those fields. I may be narrow-minded in saying this, but what other options do I have to choose from? I've lived such a sheltered life. My parents have always provided me the things I needed in the past, have always shoved deep into the crevices of my brain that the only way to become successful in life is to become a doctor.

I just don't feel like waking up everyday to go to the hospital/clinic for the next fifty years is something I want to do. I don't hate it.. but I don't like it enough to make a career out of it.

Why does this have to be so hard? I don't want to apply to college, get student loans, graduate, and end up having to live back with my parents again while working at odd jobs to pay off those stupid student loans.. It's not something I want to do, but at this point in time, I see no future..

I wish I was good at something besides math, even then, I'm not even that good. I'm mediocre. Yes, that describes me perfectly..

Only uncertainty waits ahead

So, today I hung out with Julie. It was great, to hang out, to talk, to laugh together.

The day started off with me being really excited to head to Julie's house, and then my mom was lagging, my sister was lagging.. everyone was making me late.. and I just got hella pissed off at my mom and sister 'cause I had promised Julie that I'd be there at 1, and in actuality I got to Julie's house at around 1:30.. Well, I arrived at Julie's house and greeted her dad and her mom and then headed to her room. We talked for a while and then Abby came over and talked to Julie.

After Abby went to go somewhere at three.. we decided to head to Brandon's house to hang with him and Wendy. I went over and then talked with Wendy a lot and.. haha, Wendy is such an adorable airhead. I swear, she must be blonde. P: She's so silly.

Anyways, after we talked for a while, listened to some music, played some guitar, and talked for a little bit more, Brandon had to go to work, and while we were at his house, we were waiting for Kevin to come over, and he still hadn't arrived, but we decided to head out anyways or else Brandon would be late to work. Well, we met up with him and then Brandon had to leave for work.. on his bike.. Yeah, so me, Julie, Wendy, and Kevin walked to Bambu and we drank milk tea there.. talked for a long while.. and then listened to some K-Pop and J-Pop.. I got to see at least three DBSK music videos, yay. But Wendy kept insulting the music.. I mean.. I know she didn't mean any harm.. maybe? But just hearing her bash the music I liked.. and Julie and Kevin didn't really like it either.. and since they were talking about music.. I dunno, I just really didn't fit in I guess.. and so I guess I just stopped trying and stared around the place..

Yeah.. the whole first half of the day was really.. Made me feel like I didn't really belong.. I mean, I've been gone for six weeks, but I realized I've missed so many things while I was here, that I just can't seem to make up that lost time..

After that, Julie's mom picked me and Julie up at Bambu and then drove us back to Julie's house, where me and Julie just talked a lot.. A LOT.

We talked about things I missed over the summer, which made me feel a bit bad because.. it sounded so fun.. like.. why wasn't I there? Oh yeah, I was gone in Japan, missing everyone. I kind of feel.. like I don't belong anywhere, it's a hard feeling to describe.

We also talked about the future.. and I guess this is going to be the main focus of my post right now. My mom's been bugging me about what kind of career I want to take up. I constantly tell her that I don't know.. and I honestly don't. Seriously? Doctor, Lawyer, Dentist? Does she really thing I want those things as a career? She's sadly mistaken.. I've told her once that I wanted to be an Artist.. or maybe a musician, I also threw in a teacher.. She flat out rejected my ideas. My dad once told me that I had to be a doctor or he would disown me.. this was right before my birthday.. and he told me I'd either be a doctor or I could walk out of the house right at that moment.. It was really hard for me..

I also had a talk with my mom a couple of days ago in the car, and we were talking about colleges, and she had asked me what I wanted to be, again. Of course I told her I didn't know, but she thought that I was only hiding it because she wouldn't be happy with what I wanted to be. She started talking about college money, and if I didn't tell her, she wouldn't help me pay my way to college, talking about "If I were to spend money on something, I want to be able to know what it will do and what I can get out of it.." Something along those lines.

Say what?

I'm an investment. Great mom. Thanks for telling me that the only reason you spent money on me was so I could make more money. I never did tell her what I want to be.. but when I talk about the future.. it's just so uncertain.

I'm applying to colleges in three months. What the hell am I going to do with my life? I'm a Jack of all trades but a Master of none. Seriously. I touch upon violin, piano, guitar.. sewing, knitting, drawing, and so many other things, but I'm honestly no damn good at any of it. Some people may argue that I'm good at violin, but no, I'm not. Seriously? I just practice my goddamn ass off.

So, that leads to the question. Where do I see myself in the future? I can't even see myself a year into the future.. that would be me, getting ready to leave for college.. I can't even see this. I think about the future.. and I see everyone has something planned, everyone has something to do, knows what they want to do.. maybe at least has some vague idea of what they want to do.. I HAVE NONE. I'm just floating around in my own world, and I honestly can say.. I don't know. I really.. don't know.

I could drop dead right now, and no one would care. I haven't made enough of an impact on anyone's life for them to care. The world would not be losing an important person. That's what I feel. I have no goal in life, no dreams.

My goal? Have fun.

My dream? I have none.

Really now? To be honest.. yes.

I feel so rushed.. it's my senior year, applying for colleges is right around the corner.. I know I want to go to UCLA, but why? I ask myself everyday. What do I want to do? What do I want to be? I die a little on the inside every time my mom criticizes me, which is why I don't tell her anything..

Honestly? I love East Asian Languages. I love people. I love children. I love psychology. I love music. I love fashion. It's all so jumbled and different.. What can I do? What kind of career can I choose that won't make me miserable twenty years in the future? My life's just beginning.. I dunno, I wanted to cry talking about this to Julie, I feel like a nobody on this wide earth.

I also talked about friends.. and how I only have like.. two. Julie and Robert. Those two are the only people who know me.. who will be willing to hand out with me and deal with my bad attitude. I whine too much and I'm too stubborn for my own good.. I talk with people.. lots of people.. but honestly? They're not my friends..

Ugh, just wallowing in my own self hate and the insecurity of the future. I feel like watching a sad movie just to let all my tears out. It's hard to talk to someone face to face about these things, but I'm glad I have Julie, I can always count on her, and I guess that's why she's my best friend..

I know I've wronged people in the past, and I truly apologize, I honestly didn't mean to, if you believe me at all. Yeah.. okay, I guess that's it. Good night everyone. Hope everyone's having a better night/day than I am..


キマグレン - Life

The world we live in is always full of so many lies
I’m suppressing myself and putting on a smile
I hid my emotions because I was afraid of being hurt
But before I knew it I forgot who I was, who am I?

My true self wants to cry, wants to laugh
I hold it in and never let anyone know
I can’t say what I want to say, but I’m right here
My true self wants to cry, wants to laugh
I hold it in and never let anyone know
You must live for yourself

Tears Keep Falling

Hey guys, so I'm back at home now, but I'm feeling more and more miserable and sad. I haven't had time to start updating my other blog, but I just felt like right now, all I want to do is rant.. and rant and rant all my tears and frustrations away. I know that ya'll would rather read something more interesting, but it's just so hard to keep these feelings inside that I need to vent it out, and I can only take it out here on this blog, for I fear to hurt others feelings.

Well, I got back in California at maybe around ten in the morning? I waited at baggage claim for about an hour with all my YFU friends that I had made at SJSU orienation. Everyone's going their separate ways and it's just so hard to fully realize this.. I don't know how to explain it, it was literally parting ways because everyone lives in different states. Karen went back to Fremont I think.. which is kind of close, but Andrea went back to New York. Yeeling is still in Miyako, six thousands miles of ocean separating me and her.. and my Miyako friends too.

Did I mention I found a crush over the summer? I know it's not that big of a deal, but for me it was. This summer has been so fun, so exciting.. so much of a dream, and I fear that all the pictures and the memories I made are going to be forgotten. Memories are intangible. It's hard to keep believing they were real. My brain will forever try to beautify my memories of Miyako, and I may sound like a sap, but right now, I'm about crying my eyes out remembering the six weeks I spent in Miyako.

Well, not only am I missing Miyako, but I come back, I try calling friends and find out everyone's doing something. I guess that's the saying "Life goes on and time stops for no one." That may be true, but I guess I was hoping at least someone would say, "Anna, welcome home, I missed you, too." I mean, I may sound like an attention whore for saying this, but I was gone for six weeks.. Did no one miss me? Of course my mother and father, but that's to be expected.

I come back and feel like a puzzle piece that has fallen out and won't fit back into the picture. It's a hard feeling to describe. Maybe I'm just down in the dumps, maybe I'm being irrational. Maybe what I'm feeling is justified. I just don't feel like I fit in anymore. Where's my real home? I don't fit in in either world.. Did I impact the lives of my friends in Miyako? Did I make an impact in the lives of the YFU students and staff that I came into contact with? Will I remembered? Will I be a memory long forgotten?

The frustration of coming back home and hearing close to nothing from my friends.. Yeah sure, I got the "Hey Anna, you're back!" But that's really not what I want to hear. It reminds me too much of the home I left only days ago. What I really wanted to hear was, "Hey Anna, you're back, it must've been hard? I missed you. Let's hang for a while." My expectations may be high. I don't feel like I've changed, but maybe I have. I feel like people here have forgotten me, or maybe have changed by far too much. I feel like I don't belong.

My greatest fear is no longer the dark. It is the fear of forgetting and being forgotten. Memories are intangible. Memories fade. Sometimes memories are made more and more beautiful in the mind of the person, and when they are met with the real situation, it is no longer up to their expectations. Why does it have to be so hard? It's going to take a while to adjust. I just wish I had more support from friends. The people who really matter to me.. I feel like they no longer care. Family is always there, and maybe I take it for granted, but I really put my friends above family. I unconciously did it in Miyako, and I know I will continue to place friends above family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're reading this, I need someone to tell me I matter. Tell me you're still thinking of me. Tell me I'm not a forgotten memory. Tell me I'm a person. Tell me I'm alive. Confirm my existence because I can't do it for myself.

Happy Birthday, Julie. I'm sorry I can't spend it with you. I'm sorry that I didn't have anything planned. I'm sorry I'm a spontaneous person. I'm sorry I have to say all these things out so that you'll understand my feelings. I'm sorry.

That's it!

Okay, well, seeing as I have about one day left at home.. I might as well blog about my last day at school and.. my last day at home and what I've been doing.

So.. let's start with Friday, shall we? Oh my gosh, the Calculus final.. although it wasn't as bad as I though it would be.. it was still pretty hard! I'm scared that I'm not going to pass that class.. ugh.. God, I really need to step it up next year... Anyways, History final went by pretty well, we performed good, but dang, Economic Trends group did really good, with only three people. Props to them! We got like an 88% on our presentation, and then like, when he graded out portfolio, my grade actually went up a bit, so I'm pretty confident I have an A in History.. I'm not so sure about my other classes though.. Hmm.. Yeah, anyways, I hope that I have good grades in Chem.. I'm so freaking borderline in that class it's scary..

Er yeah. So, my last day at school went by pretty good. Really fast, if I must say so myself. Saturday, I woke up and.. SAT Subject test time... Hurrah. Not really. I woke up really early because, apparently, I had to drive down to James Logan High School because I signed up late for the subject tests, and that was the only test center they had left.. Well, i got there super early, and waited about an hour to get into my test room. I took the Math 2 and the Chem subject tests.. which I think I totally bombed by the way..

After the tests, I went home, ate pho with my parents and then headed to the Great Mall with my mom to buy my host brother something. After that, I came home, and now, here I am, typing up this blog. I just finished pack a while ago, but I have a feeling I'm going to forget something.. I really hope I don't.. I don't think I can just go home to grab something, even though I'll be in San Jose until Tuesday.. Urgh.. well, this is going to be my last post for the summer, for real this time, so hop on over to my home-stay blog! [Link]

And like this..

...one thing ends, and another begins.

As I've said before, it's kind of hard to wrap my head around the idea that I'll be leaving the country in about five days.. Well.. it's extremely hard. There's no kind of transition for me.. I mean, today will be my last day of school, and then after that, I'll have my SAT IIs tomorrow. I shouldn't even be awake right now.. I should be getting plenty of sleep for my finals, but I guess I just like to screw myself over or something.. Yesterday, I gave my English final speech. It was really great, but I felt like my message didn't really help anybody.. I hope that someone learned something and that my speech got a good score.. Oh yes, well, the only reason I got up to give my speech was because Julie went and gave her speech. It was really inspiring and motivating for me to give my speech after. Ah, I just heart Julie. :3 Her speech gave me the courage to go up to the podium and present.

Well, today is my Calculus final, French final, and History final. Omg, so many big class finals today. I'm freaking out as is because.. yeah.. omg this is going to be so insane. I'm scared that I might not get a good grade on this, etc. etc. Yeah. Gawd. I'm going crazy. I'm worrying so much, but I guess after approximately.. thirteen or fourteen hours, I won't have to worry about a thing.. maybe I should drink some monster or something at school tomorrow.. god.

I still haven't gotten information on my host family, but I'm hoping it will come in soon, I really want to buy gifts for them before I leave, so that I can have something to give them to show them how much I appreciate them for letting me have this wonderful experience. Ugh.. Well, Saturday is SAT IIs and then Sunday is the day I leave to go to SJSU with all the other winners of the Okinawa Peace Prize Scholarship. Monday, we hang at the SJSU campus learning etiquette and stuff.. I think.. and then I wake up early Tuesday morning to head down to San Fransico to catch my flight to Tokyo. As for the rest of my summer, I have no idea. I still haven't gotten packed yet! Ugh, I just know I'm going to forget something..

Anyways, this may or may not be my last blog on here until the end of summer, so just in case, I hope everyone has a wonderful summer, and if you want, you can check out my homestay blog. [Link]