Tears

I thought about so many things today.

I cried.

Why?

So, I'm up in Stockton this weekend with my cousin Tammie. She's like my best bud.

I have officially texted Charlie. Haha, it was okay, I guess. I'm not quiet sure. It's complicated, and I hate people being judgmental and telling me what they think instead of what they know. Honestly? I know he has a girlfriend. I know I shouldn't be saying half the stuff I'm saying, but I can't help it. We're only talking as friends, and I'll be damned if someone thinks I'm trying to ruin they're relationship, because I'm not. Life sucks.

Anyways, spent the day playing the clothespins game and chubby bunny. Learned some new stuff, I guess. Hmm, fashion show rehearsals on Tuesday, I think. If I made it in? o_o

In other news, I'm still working on everyone's Christmas presents. And I still have not opened ANYTHING. :< I want to peek so bad.

Peeved

I hate when I don't know what's going on.

Gobble Day

Thanksgiving was okay. Hung out with family. Had a sleepover at my cousin's while my dad gambled away in the other room. Mother left for SD and so we had no food at home.. Yeah..

Hmm. Nothing much. Worked on college apps, and now I.. MUST turn it in, but my personal statements are like.. CRAP. D: I DON'T KNOW OMG. MY LIFE IS AHEAD OF ME AND WHAT DO I DO?! What if I don't get in? This feeling of anxiety, I remember all too well from last year. But it's worse. This isn't about some temporary trip for six weeks to a far away country. This is about a four year commitment that will inevitably lead to my future.

Choosing a major, choosing a school, writing essays, I'm afraid. Where will all of this take me?

Oh my.

So many things have passed.. and I haven't blogged. Sorry! Dx There were things like.. my cousin's wedding, college apps, water polo.. but alas, those shall forever be memories.

So, today, I was walking to Flickinger Park. I went on the swings and read my book swinging for an hour.. Going back home, I stepped on a particularly crunchy leaf. :3 I feel like a kid again..

I went shopping with Melanie! O: I bought a vest, a jacket, and boot/heels for a total of: $29.50. Not bad, not bad at all.

Peace Out. <3

It's too early for this.

The date for my cousin's wedding approaches ever closer. Slowly. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It's only in.. six days. I can't believe it myself. So, for my cousin's wedding obviously, I'd need a dress, no? Me and my sister went to buy a dress with my mom today.

Results? Terrible.

Two weeks before, I had gone with my mom and sister to Macy's, and lo and behold, what did we find there? Me and my sister ended up choosing the same exact dress, which was why the much needed shopping date today was scheduled.

We decided to head to the Great Mall.

Walked around a little bit, went into some stores to see their dress selections. And Ah! We found a nice store with some nice dresses. After about half an hour of trying dresses on, I finally had narrowed my choices down to only one. Only one dress which looked gorgeous. It wasn't a long flowy dress that looked elegant and formal.. but at the same time, it wasn't like a miniskirt that would flip at the slightest wind..

And SO. We went to the cashier and the lady put it in. It came out to a whooping 118.99 dollars. My mom decided to be cheap, if that's what you call it, anyways. She was like.. "Oh, since I'm paying with cash do you think you can give me a discount?" and the lady told us that the most she could discount it was 10%. It came down to 108.09 and then my mom was like.. "Oh, since I'm paying with cash, I'm going to pay you 100 dollars for that." The lady at this point was kinda giving us a WTF face, but it was still okay. BUT, THEN, my mom found a small INSEY WEENSY LITTLE BROKEN TTHREAD. She started scratching it, pulling it. I was getting pissed off. I knew she would use this as an excuse to lower the dress's price even MORE.

At this point, I walked out of the store with my sister in tow. Hoping for the best, I stayed outside of the shop, hoping that it would be okay. That everything would be alright. My mom came out of the shop, purse in hand and no bag in the other.. say what? Rewind. No bag? That's right, she came out of the store WITHOUT the dress.

At this point, I have to stop and wonder WHAT THE HELL DID SHE SAY?

Not only did she rip the store off of $20, but after that, she came out with NOTHING.

Turns out she was pissed off at the FUCKING BAG the store gave her. ARE YOU SERIOUS? FOR A FUCKING DRESS?! Do any of you guys know how frustrating and upsetting it was for me? I thought that dress was gorgeous, was beautiful, as PERFECT for the wedding.

I cried the whole way out of the mall. Mascara and eye-liner runny, I kept wiping at my eyes, the tears relentlessly falling down my cheeks. It was so embarrassing. IT IS SO EMBARRASSING to have a mother like this. Why?

It just makes me so angry every time I go shopping with her. And then she starts yelling at me in the car, telling me that the dress didn't look good on my anyways, that I was as fat as a pig and that I needed to pick a dress with more "class". What the fuck. I might as well wear jeans and t-shirt to the wedding. I don't even feel like going anymore. First she refused to pay. Second she puts the blame on me, insulting me. I feel so upset and frustrated and I just want someone I can cry this all out to.

I don't even want to look or talk to my mom. It frustrates me that much.
I'm mad. I'm upset. I just want to cry.

I haven't posted in.. a long while, which must be surprising, or not. Some people know me better than others, haha.

The search for the "me" of the future has not ended. I'm still wandering aimlessly, but at least it's a start from standing completely still..

The new year has started.. nothing exciting has happened.. water polo practice is everyday after school. My class schedule is quite fun. I've had a lot of time to start settling in, and I think today's year will be pretty chill. I have some scary teachers, but it's not that bad, I can deal. French is going to be a lot more fun than I think. I'm actually really interested in French.. and as for what sparked me to pursue more literacy in it.. I started listening to Feuilles Mortes by Yves Montand again. I listened to the song two years ago, and didn't understand a lick of it, but now that I've matured in the language, I can understand, which makes me want to learn more and more! I'm so excited!

Math.. ugh, Calculus BC. Bummer. I'm gunna have to really focus this year if I want to get that "A" and "5" on my AP test and in class. It's not that bad though. Copes is as cool as ever, and my classmates are pretty cool too, so I won't have such a hard time.

I'm taking Jewelry and Sewing this year, and I can feel my creative juices flowing already. So much I want to do.. and yet there is so little time to realize all of it. I'm just excited that I get to learn the basics and start on something that I plan to pursue as a hobby in the future..

I've also taken to learning guitar, and today, we went to go buy a guitar from some dude who put his ad up on craigslist. The guitar was actually for my brother, but I tagged along anyways. The thing is though..

Am I being too pushy? I overheard my brother talking to my mom and sister. He went on about how I have violin, my sister has bass, and him starting guitar. He doesn't want me to learn guitar because apparently, it's his "thing." Why can't it be my thing too? I mean, I already know how to play violin and piano, wouldn't be obvious that I want to learn guitar too? I mean, there so many MORE instruments I want to learn.. What's up with my bro's jealousy? It's not like I'm going to take his guitar when he's practicing, so what's with the selfishness?

Urgh, it just makes me angry and sad.. and so many other feelings that my own brother can't even understand me. It's not like I'm trying to be better than him. If I am.. well, he can just suck it. It's not my fault.

Urrgghh. I hate this. Anyways. Back to my life? I dunno, it's pretty dull except for the occasional, "Oh my gosh!" moment..

My cousin's getting married on the 26th! So, yesterday, me and my sister went to go dress shopping with my mother. We happened to pick the same dress because we both thought it looked gorgeous.. well, I guess we do share the same genes afterall. I'm thinking that whatever dress I buy for the wedding will be my homecoming dress, so I've got to choose carefully! Anyways, I guess that's all for now.