Chasing a Shadow

Wow. I haven't updated in a while. Life's been.. eh.. full of things that have been keeping me occupied.

Last week, during Spring Break, my orchestra went down to Anaheim for the Heritage Festival, and four days of fun!

Or so I thought.

Seriously? For me, I just felt like I was constantly trying to catch the attention of one person, who shall remain unnamed. Julie probably knows. Haha, who am I kidding? She knows. Well, we left on Thursday, early in the morning. 6:30 A.M. early. We loaded up the coach bus, and we were off~ I sat next to a dude named George, who.. used my shoulder as a pillow half-way through the ride. Eck. I mean.. I don't really mind, but at least TELL ME FIRST?! His head kind of just went.. -plop- and I was thinking, "Ew, wtf?" Well, anyways, the ride down there, I was playing my ds with Eddie, Brian, Wendy, and Felicia, playing Mario Party, Tetris, and what not, and listening to my Zune. After about.. six or seven hours? We were at Magic Mountain!

The moment I stepped off that bus.. I followed him. Ugh. I sound like a lost dog. I hung out with his group of friends and stuff.. sort of. They turned out to be really cool guys, but it was really awkward because I was the only girl in the group, and sometimes I felt really excluded. But that's just me. Maybe I'm imagining some things? Maybe not. I also had other reasons for going with this group. One would be because guys are more likely to go on roller coasters, so I didn't want to worry about someone staying behind because they were too "scared" to go on it. That day was really fun, but tiring, and at 6:30~6:45 ish, we headed back to the bus to head towards our hotel, which was the "Anaheim Park Hotel." It was pretty nice there.

When we got to the hotel, after about.. an hour of driving? After unpacking and stuff, I headed towards the guys' room to see what they were going to get for dinner. We ended up walking to Carl's Junior which was kind of, not really, close. And then we had to go back to our rooms for curfew after we came back. I showered hung out with Vicky, Caroline, and Tracy before going to bed. Vicky likes to steal my blanket! I was glad no one in my room snored. Haha, I was out like a log. One thing I notice is that when I'm on trips where I'm not with family, I'm a really light sleeper. Something I learned just last week, surprisingly.

Friday and Saturday was Disneyland. Hung out with the same group of guys again. Oh dear, Friday NIGHT, the guys wanted to go on Splash Mountain. What could I do but follow them? Eddie was an idiot. Forced me to sit in front of the log. I was so close to crying the whole damn ride. It totally ruined my day. Ah well, it's done and over with. Whatever. After the ride, though, I was soaked. It was totally not fun. I think Kevin let me borrow his jacket, which was really sweet of him. Saturday morning, we woke up at 5 A.M. Holy crap, that was super early. We had to get ready for our performance in the morning because we were the first group up to perform. It went okay. That night was the awards ceremony, and it was totally lame. One school kept getting all the awards. Why? BECAUSE THEIR SCHOOL SPECIALIZED IN PERFORMING ARTS. It made me so angry that other schools like Independence wasn't given a chance at all.

Sunday I packed, hopped on the bus and went home. On the way back, we stopped by Pismo beach, and I built a sand castle, just for Julie! You better like it, you butt. I spent like.. thirty~thirty-five-ish minutes making that sand castle, and my legs were trembling from supporting my weight the entire timmeee. Oh well. Here is the picture!

Yeah. It was an okay sand castle. I had to build it all by myself, and wasted the first ten minutes 'cause I was too close to the waves. Which made me feel extremely stupid. After that, I rushed all the way back to the bus, stopping by the souvenir shop to buy my family some stuff. Back on the bus, we had to wait an extra fifteen minutes because some of the students were late, which was a really stupid idea because if we were there any longer, the bus driver would've been fined, and the students who were late would have to pay it.

That was basically Disneyland, summed up in a couple of paragraphs.

This last week has been really hectic, what with the grading period ending soon and everything else, I've just been loaded with so much Chemistry and Calculus, and History. Shit, if I ever survive this, I'll do something. I swear.

This next week is all about STAR testing. From Tuesday to Friday, we have STAR testing. I wish I was a senior, because they aren't taking it! Ah, and this week, the letter from YFU is supposed to come, or estimated to come anyways. I hope I win at least one scholarship.. It's all I think about now.. That and JaeJoong.. haha. Yeah, I'm constantly thinking about if I got in or not, and where I would be if I got accepted.. and what my host family is like. If I receive a letter saying I got in, the first thing I'd do is look for info in the packet about my host family! Then I'd proceed to writing them an e-mail or a letter, or SOMETHING to contact them. That would be so exciting.

I guess that's enough for now. The biggest event this month was my trip to Disneyland, but once I get the letter, this month will be monumental. I absolutely can't stand the wait anymore!

Façade

Sometimes, I have to think real hard about who I am. I've always portrayed myself as someone who is really "happy-go lucky." I'm always cheery, always happy. It may be too presumptuous for me to say this, but I feel like people really depend on this aspect of me. If I was no longer happy.. what would happen? Mornings would be dull, everyone would more tired... Can I really say that? Do I have that much of an impact on people?

It just got me thinking. When I'm neutral, I smile. When I'm irritated, I smile. When I'm sad, I smile. What is my life? What have I been doing hiding behind this fake image that I've built of myself? I feel that if I were to take down this barrier, people would run and hide because of the ugliness of my character. It may not happen, but I fear it so much that I can't help myself from hiding further and further away from the real world.

What got me thinking like this? I honestly have no idea. Maybe it was because I was looking through all my old pictures. I look like I'm really really genuinely smiling, but the thing is.. I wasn't. Half the time, I knew I just pulled the corners of my lips up, crinkled my eyes a bit and ta-da. Smile.

My new mission is to start showing others more of myself.. I guess I should grow up, and stop thinking to please others--it is, afterall, my own life. Just a bit at a time.. and possibly, I'll get there one day.

Can I really stop smiling for my own sake? God, I don't know anymore, I'm tired, my head is running around in circles..

Don't Lose to Yourself

So, I got home from swimming a couple of hours ago, and have NOT done any homework yet.. wait. I lied. I did some English homework, but that was the short story.. which was fun to do, so would that count? Anyways, I still have to do my part of my history homework, chemistry homework, study for calculus, do AP worksheets, holy shit I'm screwed.

Well. Enough about homework, I'm just going to dig myself into a pit of despair over it. I'll talk about school. We had a minimum day schedule today, and a Code Red in Period 4; a Code Red is when there is someone dangerous on campus, and all classrooms are in lock-down mode. Doors are barricaded, an area is barricaded for students, etc. It was so lame when the police went to our class.. All the did was open the door, look inside and go "Okay, thank you!" I was thinking.. Okay.. what just happened.. Is that it? What the heck is going on now? So basically, the drill was a waste of time. I remember in middle school, the police actually tried to force their way into the classrooms, which resulted in many chairs that were stacked up to fall, but they still didn't get through--we were too good. Yeah. It was a waste of class time.

I also went through a cellphone scare this morning. In my third period class, I realized my cellphone was missing. I freaked out. During lunch, I retraced all my steps, went into my first and second period classes to see if they had seen anything. Nothing. Holy crap, I was so scared I dropped it on my way from second to third period, and some random dude picked it up and was going to sell it for some sum of money.. My parents were going to be furious when I told them. Of course.. I was planning to tell them.. I think? No, in all honesty, after lunch, Tiffany came up to me and asked me if I had received my cellphone back. I told her no, and she told me that my friend Julie was keeping it for me. At that moment.. you have no idea how happy and relieved I was. It was unbelievable. And then I realized the assistant teacher in Calculus is horrible. We spent twenty minutes.. twenty minutes on one homework problem that she could not solve. Our class is so screwed for the AP test. Shit, I'm behind as it is, it's no good to be even MORE behind with Mrs. Copes not teaching us..

I was pleasantly surprised when I walked into French and my teacher wasn't there. Goodness, I was happy. It's not like I hate my French teacher, it's just that he's not very good at teaching. Yeah. At least Mrs. Ochuzzo was like.. okay-ish, even though she was hella hard. After that, I went to History and tried to put my group project together. We got the boards, started cutting out pictures. I took the board home and will start to do my time line part after.. I feel like it. After class let out at.. one o'five-ish, I headed to the parking lot where I saw a couple of people from swimming. We hung out, talked, and then I went to sit in Sam's car. For a while, we just sat there, listening to music, talking, etc. but then, we had to leave, so everyone split into their cars while Catherine, Travis, Eddie, Brian, and Dan were in Sam's van. The ride down to Prospect was okay. It could've been better.

Prospect.. has a tiny pool. Four feet deep with diving blocks. How do those kids do it? I was so scared to dive in for the first time... I was scared I would hurt myself or something along those lines. It freaked me out because I had never dived in such a shallow pool before. The meet was a lot of fun, I kind of improved my times (I guess), and the most important part was that I didn't lose to myself. But, it did improve my mood when I beat the other team's JV boys during the 400 relay. It felt so great sprinting to the end.. Swim meet ended without a lot of complications, and we dressed and went home. Like before, I packed my stuff into the back of the van, and sat in Sam's car, waiting for others to come so we could start to leave. When I got off the van.. Holy shit. My poster board was.. was.. bent. I seriously wanted to know who would bend the poster board. I purposely put it in a spot where no one would jam their damn bag into the spot. Fuck. I wanted to cuss the person out. It made me so made because not only am I the leader of our History group, it was my responsibility to look after the boards. God. I wanted to seriously hit someone. It made me so irritated.

I'm okay now. I think. Oh well, I probably should shower and start on my history project. Oh yes, today I was treated to a real sight. :> I saw Susie sleeping! Haha, his sleeping face is so adorable. Makes me want to pinch his cheeks. Or at least go up to him and offer him my shoulder, so he could use it as a head rest. Aww, so adorable. Okay. Enough of me being such a gushy girl. Euck. Waiting for letters suck. I've checked everyday in the mailbox to see if the package/letter from YFU had come. Still no sign. Hopefully, I'll get it before I leave for Anaheim. That would be the best present ever.

I'm also planning to bake Katherine Red Velvet Cupcakes for her birthday! Her birthday is on the day we leave for Disneyland, so i plan to bake her them so she can eat them for lunch or something. Even though she says she doesn't want anything.. I mean come on? Who doesn't want anything for their birthday? When I found out others got another person a birthday gift on the same day as my birthday.. I felt terrible, because I knew those people knew that my birthday was on that day as well.. they even asked me to pitch in for the birthday present. WHY? Of course I didn't. It made me feel like crap that no one even went up to me with a "Happy Birthday, Anna!" I mean, even THAT would have satisfied me. But, it was all better when Julie gave me a present. Sorta.

Ah, this is getting quite long. I'll end with a nice quote I found while browsing through a forum full of Japanese phones--they were quite nice, by the way!

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."

Round and Round

Sometimes, life just doesn't go the way you want it to. Especially proven by the times that you have turned around, and life hits you--square in the face.

My life's been pretty busy, I presume. Swim practice, swim meets, Calculus tests, waiting for SAT scores, waiting for YFU's letter, etc. Lots of things have been going on, and I just can't help but feel overwhelmed with the fact that Junior year is almost over. In approximately nine-and-a-half weeks, I'll be done with Junior year. I'll be done with three-fourths of my high school life. I feel like I should be excited.. but I can't be.

I got my SAT scores today, and to be completely honest, I felt terrible. I know that my score was above average but.. honestly? I felt that I could've gotten the score I was aiming for--it was not an impossible ideal. I won't disclose the score here, because everyone will just then think I'm petty, but yeah. Just know that I did not get the score I wanted, and no it was not a 2400 that I was aiming for.

Can I even begin to explain to everyone the anxiety I've been going through? It's now April. April 7th to be exact. Youth For Understanding has begun sending out acceptance letters and rejection letters of scholarships. I am going to be one of the hundreds, possibly thousands(?), of students they are going to reply. What if I don't get the scholarship? I can't answer this question. The only reason I've been keeping myself healthy/sane/etc through all this year's drama is for this one reason. To go to Japan. So the answer might be that I will fall apart. I will literally fall apart at the seams that have been holding me together for the past... six or seven months. I catch myself dreaming of Japan, wondering what my host family is like, wondering what school is like, what kind of classmates I will encounter.. all these things I have contemplated. All these things.. will be so easily swept aside by one word. Rejected. I realize that there are three more weeks of April. Three long, antagonizing weeks that I may have to wait through. That's my estimate, if the letter comes on time. I hope to god the letter I receive is large, puffy, and contains many things about the scholarship I won. But.. that's all just wishful thinking. All I can do is sit and wait--the hardest part of this process. I've been waiting for four months, you say, why can't I wait four weeks? The answer is simple. It's almost here. And I'll leave the matter at that.

Life. On the topic of life, Julie has started spending more time with me. It's quite enjoyable. Even though we're just sitting around, doing nothing, it feels great that my best friend is back. Even if we don't talk... I feel like it's completely okay, and that everything is going to be better. I rely on Julie way too much for my own good. I feel like... she's my foundation? It may be too much of me to say this because we've only known each other for about three years, but for the past three years, I've done so many things with her, shared so many secrets, experienced so many things, had so many "firsts" that it's impossible for me to ever forget her. I hope that there will never be a time when I have to--she's just that important. Anyways, Julie's been hanging out for a while. It's nice to know she's set aside time for me, it makes me feel as if I mean something as a person. God knows I don't get that feeling of appreciation anywhere else. Swimming.. I feel like shit because half the time I skip--I fully realize I can be in varsity if I actually went to practice--Calculus.. I just don't understand. It's a whirlwind of numbers.. symbols.. signs.. Yeah. At home.. I'm always being compared to my siblings. In Orchestra I feel like I don't deserve the seat I'm in.. I basically don't feel important--except when I'm with Julie. She makes me feel like I'm real, that I'm here for a purpose.. Augh, this is getting too deep. I'll save it for some other day when I feel like thinking.

On a lighter note, I've gotten back into liking Dong Bang Shin Ki (DBSK). They're totally awesome. In middle school, when they first debuted, I didn't really like them, so didn't pay much notice, but now, they're awesome. They've inspired me to take studying Japanese more seriously, and because of them, I've also begun to learn Korean. To be honest, if I actually put some effort into learning, it wouldn't be that hard, but like I said, I feel as if I can't do anything most of the time, and tend to put it off. From DBSK, my favorite would have to be JaeJoong. He's so adorable.. cute.. handsome, -insert your favorite attractive adjective here-. A lot of people tell me he's too girly, but whatever, to each their own. If DBSK ever does a live here in the US, you know, I'll be the first one to buy their tickets because they're worth every penny.

So yeah, Spring break is happening next week, and I'm absolutely excited for it. My Disneyland trip with the Orchestra group is coming up soon--I still need to pay my director the remaining $98 and return my permission slip.. FML much? Oh yes, my English teacher, Mr. Warren, has assigned us to write a short Gothic story, about four to five pages long, and if I like it enough, I'll probably post it on here for all to read.. and make fun of. It sounds absolutely fun, and I will have a delightful time with the character development.

The days get longer, the nights shorter. Oh how I wish May was here.