Façade

Sometimes, I have to think real hard about who I am. I've always portrayed myself as someone who is really "happy-go lucky." I'm always cheery, always happy. It may be too presumptuous for me to say this, but I feel like people really depend on this aspect of me. If I was no longer happy.. what would happen? Mornings would be dull, everyone would more tired... Can I really say that? Do I have that much of an impact on people?

It just got me thinking. When I'm neutral, I smile. When I'm irritated, I smile. When I'm sad, I smile. What is my life? What have I been doing hiding behind this fake image that I've built of myself? I feel that if I were to take down this barrier, people would run and hide because of the ugliness of my character. It may not happen, but I fear it so much that I can't help myself from hiding further and further away from the real world.

What got me thinking like this? I honestly have no idea. Maybe it was because I was looking through all my old pictures. I look like I'm really really genuinely smiling, but the thing is.. I wasn't. Half the time, I knew I just pulled the corners of my lips up, crinkled my eyes a bit and ta-da. Smile.

My new mission is to start showing others more of myself.. I guess I should grow up, and stop thinking to please others--it is, afterall, my own life. Just a bit at a time.. and possibly, I'll get there one day.

Can I really stop smiling for my own sake? God, I don't know anymore, I'm tired, my head is running around in circles..