The day started off with me being really excited to head to Julie's house, and then my mom was lagging, my sister was lagging.. everyone was making me late.. and I just got hella pissed off at my mom and sister 'cause I had promised Julie that I'd be there at 1, and in actuality I got to Julie's house at around 1:30.. Well, I arrived at Julie's house and greeted her dad and her mom and then headed to her room. We talked for a while and then Abby came over and talked to Julie.
After Abby went to go somewhere at three.. we decided to head to Brandon's house to hang with him and Wendy. I went over and then talked with Wendy a lot and.. haha, Wendy is such an adorable airhead. I swear, she must be blonde. P: She's so silly.
Anyways, after we talked for a while, listened to some music, played some guitar, and talked for a little bit more, Brandon had to go to work, and while we were at his house, we were waiting for Kevin to come over, and he still hadn't arrived, but we decided to head out anyways or else Brandon would be late to work. Well, we met up with him and then Brandon had to leave for work.. on his bike.. Yeah, so me, Julie, Wendy, and Kevin walked to Bambu and we drank milk tea there.. talked for a long while.. and then listened to some K-Pop and J-Pop.. I got to see at least three DBSK music videos, yay. But Wendy kept insulting the music.. I mean.. I know she didn't mean any harm.. maybe? But just hearing her bash the music I liked.. and Julie and Kevin didn't really like it either.. and since they were talking about music.. I dunno, I just really didn't fit in I guess.. and so I guess I just stopped trying and stared around the place..
Yeah.. the whole first half of the day was really.. Made me feel like I didn't really belong.. I mean, I've been gone for six weeks, but I realized I've missed so many things while I was here, that I just can't seem to make up that lost time..
After that, Julie's mom picked me and Julie up at Bambu and then drove us back to Julie's house, where me and Julie just talked a lot.. A LOT.
We talked about things I missed over the summer, which made me feel a bit bad because.. it sounded so fun.. like.. why wasn't I there? Oh yeah, I was gone in Japan, missing everyone. I kind of feel.. like I don't belong anywhere, it's a hard feeling to describe.
We also talked about the future.. and I guess this is going to be the main focus of my post right now. My mom's been bugging me about what kind of career I want to take up. I constantly tell her that I don't know.. and I honestly don't. Seriously? Doctor, Lawyer, Dentist? Does she really thing I want those things as a career? She's sadly mistaken.. I've told her once that I wanted to be an Artist.. or maybe a musician, I also threw in a teacher.. She flat out rejected my ideas. My dad once told me that I had to be a doctor or he would disown me.. this was right before my birthday.. and he told me I'd either be a doctor or I could walk out of the house right at that moment.. It was really hard for me..
I also had a talk with my mom a couple of days ago in the car, and we were talking about colleges, and she had asked me what I wanted to be, again. Of course I told her I didn't know, but she thought that I was only hiding it because she wouldn't be happy with what I wanted to be. She started talking about college money, and if I didn't tell her, she wouldn't help me pay my way to college, talking about "If I were to spend money on something, I want to be able to know what it will do and what I can get out of it.." Something along those lines.
Say what?
I'm an investment. Great mom. Thanks for telling me that the only reason you spent money on me was so I could make more money. I never did tell her what I want to be.. but when I talk about the future.. it's just so uncertain.
I'm applying to colleges in three months. What the hell am I going to do with my life? I'm a Jack of all trades but a Master of none. Seriously. I touch upon violin, piano, guitar.. sewing, knitting, drawing, and so many other things, but I'm honestly no damn good at any of it. Some people may argue that I'm good at violin, but no, I'm not. Seriously? I just practice my goddamn ass off.
So, that leads to the question. Where do I see myself in the future? I can't even see myself a year into the future.. that would be me, getting ready to leave for college.. I can't even see this. I think about the future.. and I see everyone has something planned, everyone has something to do, knows what they want to do.. maybe at least has some vague idea of what they want to do.. I HAVE NONE. I'm just floating around in my own world, and I honestly can say.. I don't know. I really.. don't know.
I could drop dead right now, and no one would care. I haven't made enough of an impact on anyone's life for them to care. The world would not be losing an important person. That's what I feel. I have no goal in life, no dreams.
My goal? Have fun.
My dream? I have none.
Really now? To be honest.. yes.
I feel so rushed.. it's my senior year, applying for colleges is right around the corner.. I know I want to go to UCLA, but why? I ask myself everyday. What do I want to do? What do I want to be? I die a little on the inside every time my mom criticizes me, which is why I don't tell her anything..
Honestly? I love East Asian Languages. I love people. I love children. I love psychology. I love music. I love fashion. It's all so jumbled and different.. What can I do? What kind of career can I choose that won't make me miserable twenty years in the future? My life's just beginning.. I dunno, I wanted to cry talking about this to Julie, I feel like a nobody on this wide earth.
I also talked about friends.. and how I only have like.. two. Julie and Robert. Those two are the only people who know me.. who will be willing to hand out with me and deal with my bad attitude. I whine too much and I'm too stubborn for my own good.. I talk with people.. lots of people.. but honestly? They're not my friends..
Ugh, just wallowing in my own self hate and the insecurity of the future. I feel like watching a sad movie just to let all my tears out. It's hard to talk to someone face to face about these things, but I'm glad I have Julie, I can always count on her, and I guess that's why she's my best friend..
I know I've wronged people in the past, and I truly apologize, I honestly didn't mean to, if you believe me at all. Yeah.. okay, I guess that's it. Good night everyone. Hope everyone's having a better night/day than I am..
キマグレン - Life
The world we live in is always full of so many lies
I’m suppressing myself and putting on a smile
I hid my emotions because I was afraid of being hurt
But before I knew it I forgot who I was, who am I?
My true self wants to cry, wants to laugh
I hold it in and never let anyone know
I can’t say what I want to say, but I’m right here
My true self wants to cry, wants to laugh
I hold it in and never let anyone know
You must live for yourself
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