New Friends

Well, it's been quite a while since I've been posting on here, like always, it seems. At least I'm keeping it kind of updated. I don't see how people can post a blog everyday, there's only so much you can talk about before you start running dry of ideas. Recently, I've been requesting pen-pals and the requests i got were overwhelming! People from South Africa, France, and Japan e-mailed me! I am so excited to start corresponding with these individuals! I've been starting to realize that the world is not as small as I think, no matter what I'm going through, there are probably millions of people who have it a lot worse than I do, and I need to start being more aware of my surroundings!

School's been okay, but I totally failed my Calculus quiz yesterday because of my failure to study.. hopefully, I'll be able to make it up tomorrow. Hopefully. Ahh.. I don't really like the fact that I'll be having a B or even a B+ in Calculus.. I must get an A! It must be the asian side of me shining through. I feel that if I don't get the good grades my parents expect, I won't be loved by them.. I know it sounds pathetic, but it's how I've been raised, so I cannot change this part of my personality.. I think this was a section in my psychology book.. something about authoritative or authoritarian parenting.. Argh, I hate how I always seek approval from others, I wish that I were able to just be happy about who I am instead of who I want to be and constantly chasing after an invisible goal..

In other news, I've started filling out my scholarship application to YFU and I hope that I'll be accepted into the program because I know that it will be a life changing experience. It will be the experience that changes my attitude about others and how I think about others also. Everything I start thinking of my experience in Japan and what it would be like, I start thinking about what would happen if I won't get accepted.. How would I be able to cope with that? I really want it so bad, I've never had the desire to have anything stronger than my desire to win the scholarship to Japan. I hope that won't be the case, and that I will be accepted because I must admit that I myself am a very well rounded person. So far, I have a 4.0 GPA (not counting Calculus of course...), I play an instrument in our school orchestra, I do community service that shows a position of leadership, I am officers of several clubs at my school, and I also do sports but.. still.. there's a nagging feeling that I can't seem to shake off. What if I'm not good enough? I'll always be feeling this insecurity until the results are announced, and hopefully, by then, I'll know if I AM good enough for the scholarship.. it frightens me quite a lot..

Well, my social life has been.. inactive. School literally stole my social life, due to the fact that I must concentrate most of my efforts towards completing school work and also studying for tests, etc. I hope that once my Junior year of high school is over, I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief telling myself that all that hard work was worth it because it might've given me a 4.0.. Hopefully..

My best friend Julie has recently been infatuated with a boy.. I haven't blogged at all yet about this, so I guess I'll spill my feelings on this subject. My best friend really likes this guy.. We'll call him "Susie." It all started one day when we had a sub in English 3Ap and we were watching the movie The Scarlet Letter. Everyone in the back of the classroom and the right side of the class were passing notes, and it happened to pass through the both of them, and they were flirting through notes. I was excluded from this though because I saw no need in passing notes to people who I rarely talk to.. Lets just say, I don't really "fit in" with others.. Not to say that I don't have any friends, I have a ton, it's just that none of them make me feel like I can be myself around them, all except my friend Julie..

Well. It all started that day. She told me she liked him and at that time I was like.. okay, that's cool with me. But she's so.. I don't know. For me, it seems like she obsesses over him, and I know that "obsess" might be exaggerating it, but that's how it seems like. She notices all the little things, and I think that Susie might not even like her. Even SHE things that he might not like her. She told me that he likes someone else in our English class, but she still tries.. I guess that must mean she likes him a lot, but I think it's just ridiculous.. partly to due to the fact that all the relationships I've been in haven't really worked out that well, so I'm kind of pessimistic about these kind of things..

She's been giving him space recently, but she thinks that he's avoiding her.. I pointed out the fact that it might seem like that only because she's been forcing conversation with him so much that without that casual and normal interaction, it feels like he's ignoring her when in reality, he just really never starts the conversation in the first place. Lately, she's also been dressing better and becoming more "involved" with the school. I fear that someday I may be left behind to wallow in my loneliness and selfishness.. Surely that day will come a long ways from now, but it just feels like she's drifting away from me, and liking Susie is not helping the situation any better.. more like its accelerating it.. Augh, well I'll stop wallowing in my misery and try to end on a happier note.

I've recently started to find more reference pictures for my costumes that I'll be making for Fanime, and I just can't wait to start buying fabrics, etc. Me and Julie were supposed to buy fabrics on Sunday.. but apparently.. something came up.. It just kind of hurts me to think that something is more important to her than me, even though we share many things.. I have to start thinking about it! Alright then. I'll see you guys later some other time.