Don't Lose to Yourself

So, I got home from swimming a couple of hours ago, and have NOT done any homework yet.. wait. I lied. I did some English homework, but that was the short story.. which was fun to do, so would that count? Anyways, I still have to do my part of my history homework, chemistry homework, study for calculus, do AP worksheets, holy shit I'm screwed.

Well. Enough about homework, I'm just going to dig myself into a pit of despair over it. I'll talk about school. We had a minimum day schedule today, and a Code Red in Period 4; a Code Red is when there is someone dangerous on campus, and all classrooms are in lock-down mode. Doors are barricaded, an area is barricaded for students, etc. It was so lame when the police went to our class.. All the did was open the door, look inside and go "Okay, thank you!" I was thinking.. Okay.. what just happened.. Is that it? What the heck is going on now? So basically, the drill was a waste of time. I remember in middle school, the police actually tried to force their way into the classrooms, which resulted in many chairs that were stacked up to fall, but they still didn't get through--we were too good. Yeah. It was a waste of class time.

I also went through a cellphone scare this morning. In my third period class, I realized my cellphone was missing. I freaked out. During lunch, I retraced all my steps, went into my first and second period classes to see if they had seen anything. Nothing. Holy crap, I was so scared I dropped it on my way from second to third period, and some random dude picked it up and was going to sell it for some sum of money.. My parents were going to be furious when I told them. Of course.. I was planning to tell them.. I think? No, in all honesty, after lunch, Tiffany came up to me and asked me if I had received my cellphone back. I told her no, and she told me that my friend Julie was keeping it for me. At that moment.. you have no idea how happy and relieved I was. It was unbelievable. And then I realized the assistant teacher in Calculus is horrible. We spent twenty minutes.. twenty minutes on one homework problem that she could not solve. Our class is so screwed for the AP test. Shit, I'm behind as it is, it's no good to be even MORE behind with Mrs. Copes not teaching us..

I was pleasantly surprised when I walked into French and my teacher wasn't there. Goodness, I was happy. It's not like I hate my French teacher, it's just that he's not very good at teaching. Yeah. At least Mrs. Ochuzzo was like.. okay-ish, even though she was hella hard. After that, I went to History and tried to put my group project together. We got the boards, started cutting out pictures. I took the board home and will start to do my time line part after.. I feel like it. After class let out at.. one o'five-ish, I headed to the parking lot where I saw a couple of people from swimming. We hung out, talked, and then I went to sit in Sam's car. For a while, we just sat there, listening to music, talking, etc. but then, we had to leave, so everyone split into their cars while Catherine, Travis, Eddie, Brian, and Dan were in Sam's van. The ride down to Prospect was okay. It could've been better.

Prospect.. has a tiny pool. Four feet deep with diving blocks. How do those kids do it? I was so scared to dive in for the first time... I was scared I would hurt myself or something along those lines. It freaked me out because I had never dived in such a shallow pool before. The meet was a lot of fun, I kind of improved my times (I guess), and the most important part was that I didn't lose to myself. But, it did improve my mood when I beat the other team's JV boys during the 400 relay. It felt so great sprinting to the end.. Swim meet ended without a lot of complications, and we dressed and went home. Like before, I packed my stuff into the back of the van, and sat in Sam's car, waiting for others to come so we could start to leave. When I got off the van.. Holy shit. My poster board was.. was.. bent. I seriously wanted to know who would bend the poster board. I purposely put it in a spot where no one would jam their damn bag into the spot. Fuck. I wanted to cuss the person out. It made me so made because not only am I the leader of our History group, it was my responsibility to look after the boards. God. I wanted to seriously hit someone. It made me so irritated.

I'm okay now. I think. Oh well, I probably should shower and start on my history project. Oh yes, today I was treated to a real sight. :> I saw Susie sleeping! Haha, his sleeping face is so adorable. Makes me want to pinch his cheeks. Or at least go up to him and offer him my shoulder, so he could use it as a head rest. Aww, so adorable. Okay. Enough of me being such a gushy girl. Euck. Waiting for letters suck. I've checked everyday in the mailbox to see if the package/letter from YFU had come. Still no sign. Hopefully, I'll get it before I leave for Anaheim. That would be the best present ever.

I'm also planning to bake Katherine Red Velvet Cupcakes for her birthday! Her birthday is on the day we leave for Disneyland, so i plan to bake her them so she can eat them for lunch or something. Even though she says she doesn't want anything.. I mean come on? Who doesn't want anything for their birthday? When I found out others got another person a birthday gift on the same day as my birthday.. I felt terrible, because I knew those people knew that my birthday was on that day as well.. they even asked me to pitch in for the birthday present. WHY? Of course I didn't. It made me feel like crap that no one even went up to me with a "Happy Birthday, Anna!" I mean, even THAT would have satisfied me. But, it was all better when Julie gave me a present. Sorta.

Ah, this is getting quite long. I'll end with a nice quote I found while browsing through a forum full of Japanese phones--they were quite nice, by the way!

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."

Round and Round

Sometimes, life just doesn't go the way you want it to. Especially proven by the times that you have turned around, and life hits you--square in the face.

My life's been pretty busy, I presume. Swim practice, swim meets, Calculus tests, waiting for SAT scores, waiting for YFU's letter, etc. Lots of things have been going on, and I just can't help but feel overwhelmed with the fact that Junior year is almost over. In approximately nine-and-a-half weeks, I'll be done with Junior year. I'll be done with three-fourths of my high school life. I feel like I should be excited.. but I can't be.

I got my SAT scores today, and to be completely honest, I felt terrible. I know that my score was above average but.. honestly? I felt that I could've gotten the score I was aiming for--it was not an impossible ideal. I won't disclose the score here, because everyone will just then think I'm petty, but yeah. Just know that I did not get the score I wanted, and no it was not a 2400 that I was aiming for.

Can I even begin to explain to everyone the anxiety I've been going through? It's now April. April 7th to be exact. Youth For Understanding has begun sending out acceptance letters and rejection letters of scholarships. I am going to be one of the hundreds, possibly thousands(?), of students they are going to reply. What if I don't get the scholarship? I can't answer this question. The only reason I've been keeping myself healthy/sane/etc through all this year's drama is for this one reason. To go to Japan. So the answer might be that I will fall apart. I will literally fall apart at the seams that have been holding me together for the past... six or seven months. I catch myself dreaming of Japan, wondering what my host family is like, wondering what school is like, what kind of classmates I will encounter.. all these things I have contemplated. All these things.. will be so easily swept aside by one word. Rejected. I realize that there are three more weeks of April. Three long, antagonizing weeks that I may have to wait through. That's my estimate, if the letter comes on time. I hope to god the letter I receive is large, puffy, and contains many things about the scholarship I won. But.. that's all just wishful thinking. All I can do is sit and wait--the hardest part of this process. I've been waiting for four months, you say, why can't I wait four weeks? The answer is simple. It's almost here. And I'll leave the matter at that.

Life. On the topic of life, Julie has started spending more time with me. It's quite enjoyable. Even though we're just sitting around, doing nothing, it feels great that my best friend is back. Even if we don't talk... I feel like it's completely okay, and that everything is going to be better. I rely on Julie way too much for my own good. I feel like... she's my foundation? It may be too much of me to say this because we've only known each other for about three years, but for the past three years, I've done so many things with her, shared so many secrets, experienced so many things, had so many "firsts" that it's impossible for me to ever forget her. I hope that there will never be a time when I have to--she's just that important. Anyways, Julie's been hanging out for a while. It's nice to know she's set aside time for me, it makes me feel as if I mean something as a person. God knows I don't get that feeling of appreciation anywhere else. Swimming.. I feel like shit because half the time I skip--I fully realize I can be in varsity if I actually went to practice--Calculus.. I just don't understand. It's a whirlwind of numbers.. symbols.. signs.. Yeah. At home.. I'm always being compared to my siblings. In Orchestra I feel like I don't deserve the seat I'm in.. I basically don't feel important--except when I'm with Julie. She makes me feel like I'm real, that I'm here for a purpose.. Augh, this is getting too deep. I'll save it for some other day when I feel like thinking.

On a lighter note, I've gotten back into liking Dong Bang Shin Ki (DBSK). They're totally awesome. In middle school, when they first debuted, I didn't really like them, so didn't pay much notice, but now, they're awesome. They've inspired me to take studying Japanese more seriously, and because of them, I've also begun to learn Korean. To be honest, if I actually put some effort into learning, it wouldn't be that hard, but like I said, I feel as if I can't do anything most of the time, and tend to put it off. From DBSK, my favorite would have to be JaeJoong. He's so adorable.. cute.. handsome, -insert your favorite attractive adjective here-. A lot of people tell me he's too girly, but whatever, to each their own. If DBSK ever does a live here in the US, you know, I'll be the first one to buy their tickets because they're worth every penny.

So yeah, Spring break is happening next week, and I'm absolutely excited for it. My Disneyland trip with the Orchestra group is coming up soon--I still need to pay my director the remaining $98 and return my permission slip.. FML much? Oh yes, my English teacher, Mr. Warren, has assigned us to write a short Gothic story, about four to five pages long, and if I like it enough, I'll probably post it on here for all to read.. and make fun of. It sounds absolutely fun, and I will have a delightful time with the character development.

The days get longer, the nights shorter. Oh how I wish May was here.

Allergies and Dreams

For the past week, I've been skipping Swim Practice. It's not because I don't want to swim, don't get me wrong, I love swimming! But, I've been skipping because I wanted to get this job that my mom no longer wants me to go for. Oh well. I'll do it when I'm not living under my parents roof. Haha, what a rebellious child I am..

I made me mom angry last week. I forgot what I did. But, she's not letting go out anymore, and so I can't go anywhere. I was thinking of walking to the fabric store today, I had something in mind that I wanted to make. It's not cosplay, surprisingly. I hope I can sneak out for about thirty minutes to go grab some fabric..

Yesterday, after I came home from school, my brother and sister called me down to help dry our rabbit Roy. I've been wary of Roy before, because I'm allergic to him. My eyes get really itchy and I start sneezing, etc. But I didn't pay heed to that. I sat down and fluffed his wet fur while my brother aimed the hairdryer at him, drying him up after his bath. After an hour of my sister and I trading off, I started sneezing. Uh oh. So what did I do? Obviously, I told my sister I had to go, and went upstairs to watch some of my drama.

I fell asleep, and after that, my mom woke me up around seven o'clock. Apparently, it was my Dad's birthday today, and everyone (my brother, sister, mom, and I) had to go downstairs to eat and sing happy birthday.. and get fat off birthday cake. Did I mention before I fell asleep, my eyes were really itchy, so I rubbed them a couple times? BIG mistake. I went downstairs feeling like crap and my mom comments on how swollen my eyes look. I grab my bowl of noodles and sit down in the living room and my sister says.. "Ewww" At this point, I'm like.. wtf, and my dad comes downstairs and we sing happy birthday, etc.

After all that was done, I went back upstairs to see.. Efff, my eyes were really swollen, and I looked like a freaking alien.. I never wanna play with Roy again, but he's so cute.. I have no idea what I'm going to do..

So, after all that, I went to bed for the night. I just woke up. I had a dream about receiving an e-mail from my host family on what school I was going to, who was in my host family, etc. This is driving me insane. I don't want to wait anymore, but I have to because all the applications are probably still being processed. Every time I think about it, I get scared. I start doubting whether I'm good or not to get in, and I worry. I really don't want a letter telling me I didn't get the scholarship. It would be so great if I could get the full scholarship, but there are probably tons of people who applied who are way, way better than I am. God, I hate thinking about whether I got the scholarship or whether I'm going to Japan or not. I guess I only have about two months left to go.. Halfway there.. It's been so long since January, I guess March and April will take even longer to be done with.

Anna -1 calculator.

I was putting my stuff away for school today. I was looking through the bag I carried with me to the SATs to grab my pencil case and calculator. I just found out I left my calculator at the classroom I was taking it in. Fuck.

Encore!

Oh goodness, it was such a fun week this week! Kind of.

Well, Friday was really fun. After school, Julie and I went back to my house and we went to Vinci Park, looking for a four-leafed clover on the way. (We actually never did find it..) While we were at Vinci Park, I was on the swings and we also saw a class out, but we weren't sure if it was a class or not. It was around 3:30, and I was thinking that classes never extend until the afternoon.. especially not elementary classes! The little kids were adorable, and as they were playing, we noticed that the girls were playing on one side and the boys were on the jungle gym, and we laughed, trying to remember if that was what we did when we were in elementary school.

Julie got a text from Joanna saying the he was at Subways, so we decided to head on over there, dropping by my house first, to pick up her stuff. After we were really close to Subways-we were on Berryessa- Joanna calls. Turns out, he ran home to pee. That loser. Yeah, so we stopped by Starbucks and got some drinks and started walking down towards Lundy. When we got to his house, his mom was in the front yard watering plants. After that, we walked towards Townsend park to play with this misty thingy. It was really fun. But! On the way to Townsend, we had to cross the street, and during that crossing, Joanna stopped right in the middle of the street and danced! It was hilarious! As we walked towards townsend park after that, a car drove by us with a whole bunch of guys clapping. I swear. THAT was the highlight of my day!

Joanna was so embarrassed after that.. it was really funny. When we got to the park, me and Julie sat on the tire swing and Joanna spun us around. HOLY CRAP. THAT THING GOES FAST. He wasn't helping any because he kept pushing the tire. I swear, me and Julie almost fell off! It was terribly scary! We started walking home at around 5:30 and Joanna walked me and Julie all the way back to my house, near Flickinger. Then after he dropped us off, Julie's dad had to pick her up, so she left and I was left.. all alone. -tear-

I finished my beret that night! BUT, I feel so stupid because I stayed up until 12 midnight.. and I had the SATs the morning after! Oh dear.

Saturday morning, my alarm woke me up at 6, I turned it off, went back to sleep! My mum came up to wake me up around 6:30.. and I think I fell asleep after. Around 7, I heard my mom ask if I was ready or not.. I rushed out of bed to brush my teeth, brush my hair.. yeah. I left the house around 7:30 to take the SATs at Andrew Hill. I met Phuong at the school! Turns out, she was taking the SAT test at Andrew Hill too! She ended up in the classroom next to mines, and we would talk during our breaks.

After the long test (I mean.. LONG. It started at 8 and ended ten minutes before 1) My mom drove me to In-N-Out and I ate a double-double with fries and Root Beer. Mmm..

Then proceeded to watch Mei-chan no Shitsuji, Glass Mask, and Hana Yori Dango Korea. Yeah. Dramas are the reason why I have no life.. I also finished a red beret! I learned to crochet Thursday night. I finished it and then went to bed around 2 AM in the morning. I think my alarm went off at 6 and my dad came up to my room, unplugged it and threw it at me, onto my bed.. I was half-asleep and he was yelling at me about my alarm.. Fail.

Yeah, so now it's Sunday, Jenny just dropped my wig off, and I still have a ton of homework to do, I have no idea what time it is because my clock's still on my bed.. and I better get started on what I'm supposed to be doing, lest I start to fail my classes, and never be able to go to Japan on a scholarship. I'm still waiting for YFU's letter, which won't come until late April. The anticipation is killing me. And I just lost the game.

Emotional Rant

This entry is SRSBZNS. For realz. Lots of depressing undertones. If you don't want to get depressed.. well, don't read it.

It's.. been a while hasn't it? One month to be exact. So much has happened in the span of one month. I can't even begin to describe all the things that have gone on, drama and that such. I'm still waiting for that letter from YFU. About three weeks ago, I was called out to do an interview with a volunteer with YFU and we met up at Starbucks to have the interview. Nothing much too exciting happened, it was just her firing questions and me answering them and trying to go in depth. I was supposed to go watch Coraline with my friends that day around four (my interview was at seven). I didn't go. They did. It kind of hurt, but this past month has been so.. crazy. I've kind of learned to let go. It hurts to think about painful things, but if I block it out.. it can't hurt me. I'm glad I'm thick-skinned, but I know of at least one person that can get under that thick skin and hurt me beyond recognition. It'd break me.

Said person seems to keep so many thing away from me now. I know that person doesn't mean to, but to seclude me, to brush off the topic like it's no big deal.. It's like rubbing salt into my freshly cut wounds. I haven't had time to heal them yet, and everything seems to be spiraling out of control. Not enough time, not enough time. I keep thinking that if only I had time, if only I was braver I could get past this. We have already reconciled and I must admit, it made our bond so much stronger, but now it seems that something bigger, something more ominous is coming, and it's like acid that can melt even the most sturdiest of metals..

By this time, it might be obvious as to who I am talking about, but if not, then that's okay too. I'm just really tired right now. I'm so sick. I'm sick because of stress, because of lack of sleep. I'm also hurt that I see said person not listening to my advice. I honestly care for that person's health, but to disregard it, to push their body to the limit.. Doesn't that person know I am nothing without them? The only reason I'm here, able to type this message is because that person is here, sharing the same sky.

It may sound kind of creepy to know how much I depend on this person, and I know it's a huge burden that I am putting on one individual, but.. I just can't let anyone else see me for who I am. It's too painful to bare my heart for anyone else to see except that person, and when they dismiss me with a brush of the hand or a change of topics, my heart aches. It hurts so bad, I know it's all in my head, but it feels like my heart is being pulled in hundreds of different directions, and it just strains my chest.

I'm kind of upset right now, can't you tell? Must be the cold working it's way into my body.. That, and I also started a manga in where this couple falls in love, and all these complications arise. I'm at the point where the girl slit her wrists because of many things that have gone on, things that make it so that she just can't see any reason in living. I know it's not good to drown myself on sorrow, and I know that this is stupid to be wallowing over a fictional character's problems, but thinking back on a particular person and all the things that have gone on just this month have made me a bit insane.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't cry. Don't hate me. Please, don't throw me out like Yesterday's news. To be completely honest, I have nothing without you, and I come baring my heart to you, for you to see, for you to see how I've been this past month. All these awkward moments, I don't want this anymore. I wish life were simpler. I wish it weren't so rainy. I wish it was just me and you in the sandbox, piling sand into a castle fit for princesses and princes. I wish it were just that simple.. I feel like crying for thinking of all this depressing stuff..

Chalk it up to the medicine for making me think such strange thoughts--I'm sorry.

J and S

Yes, yes, it's another blog from me. Wow, two in one week, aren't you guys lucky? Enough of that, I was going to post this yesterday, but SAT classes went until 9:00 P.M. and by the time I got home, finished my homework, and ate, I was dead tired, and it was 12:30 A.M. I hate losing my sleep time for anything so you can imagine how irritated I was this morning.

So, yesterday I was at NHS to see what our year community service activity would be, and after the meeting was over, Julie and I talked.. about stuff. So, y'all remember the guy I liked? I don't think I ever mentioned a name.. We'll call him Joanna. Well, recently, I haven't been talking to Joanna, but I still kind of like him--I think. I dunno, I guess I've been influenced by all my other terrible relationships, I just don't care about it anymore. So yeah, I dunno if I like Joanna or not. BUT Julie does. And I absolutely think it's terrific. Honestly.

You see, Susie--remember him?--doesn't really notice Julie.. either that, or he knows she likes him and doesn't want to face that fact. Yeah, so I think it's great that Julie's finally found someone that she can actually talk to. I think Joanna's a really cool person. He's actually really outgoing and fun to be around, but at the same time, he's really considerate and takes into account someone's feelings during a conversation. He's not overbearing at all, and I can totally see why Julie is starting to like him. It's great that she's finally moved on from Susie, I hope. She's such a sweet girl, and I can't imagine someone being so blatantly unaware of her feelings..

Basically, that was all I was going to share, but today, my psychology class discussed a very interesting topic. The topic we talked about was Emotions. Basically, how we express it, why we express it, and what happens when it is being expressed. All really interesting stuff. Our teacher, Mr. Sprague, started going off on a tangent about a new show on Fox, Lie to Me, and it seems pretty interesting. I'm going to have to check it out sometime.

Do YOU know when someone's lying to you? Also, are you in control of your emotions? Are your emotions controlling your decisions? Ah, very tough questions. Take a minute or two to ponder it, seriously. Behind every reason, there is at least one emotion that had made that reasoning possible. Why? Because it's just they way things are. Emotion and reason are so inextricable that even if someone were to tear the two apart, the halves would lose meaning all in itself. It's quite an interesting concept and leads to much, much more questions.

Also, lightly touching on MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) since we are on the topic of Psychology anyways. What's it like.. to be housing multiple personalities? I think only the person who actually has multiple personalities can answer, but it's very intriguing. Because the core personality feels like there is too much danger or too much stress, another personality will pull the core personality under and "take over" the body. Usually, a person does not know they have MPD unless they are diagnosed by a psychologist, and even then they could be accused of lying. There is so much more to MPD than this, and I might go over it in another blog for another day. I must get back to my homework for tonight.

Alright, since that is all of what I have to say for today, I'm done. Maybe next time, I'll actually include something interesting to you guys, and not just me.