Susie, Susie, Susie

Sooo.. you guys are probably wondering why I haven't been posting so much? I've been really busy with school, swimming, carnival stuff, etc. It's been a really busy weekend, and.. It was really fun, I guess. I spent.. a lot of time with Susie, I guess? So, short breakdown...

Friday! I went to first period, and immediately after that I headed to the pool for swim finals. Dude, tons of schools were there! It was awesome. I skipped periods two to seven. I was at the pool the WHOLE DAY. Even though I only swam the first and the last event. I mean.. I could have gone to my classes, but... man, who wants to go to class when you're excused for the whole damn day? NOT ME! It was great! I was kind of sad because some swimmers were doing the AP U.S. History test and they were gone for the morning. Yeah... But, after they came, it was more enjoyable, there was actually someone to talk to at all times, so I wasn't that bored. The whole day, I kept being really nervous about my events... Well, I only had about half an hour to worry about my 200 Free, but I had about.. six hours to worry about my 100 Breaststroke. My mom came to watch, and she was almost there for the entire day! It made me so happy that my mom was actually there to support me. Because she was there, my breaststroke dropped by nine seconds! It was awesome to have her support there, although she wasn't there to watch me.. Yeah.. Susie.. was really nice to me that day. It really made me happy, but at the same time.. it made me question what his real feelings were. Is he just playing with me..? I don't know. At the end of the meet, Eddie gave me a ride home. It was really funny, 'cause I didn't want his mom to actually drive into the little roads, so she just dropped me off near Sierra and I just jaywalked across to my street.

Saturday! I woke up early because I had to get to the meet by 9:00 A.M. The meet started at about 10:00 A.M. and we needed time to warm-up. The morning was a bit slow, but it was quite enjoyable. Everybody was there and because of swim finals, I think I've bonded with a lot of swimmers. But... the thing is, bonding for a couple days.. if we don't ever talk again.. there's no point. I really do love the people on the swim team and I would be sad if we never talked again. So, my mom came again, yay! But my aunt came with my cousin for swim lessons. So she came to watch for a bit. After that, I just sat with the swimmers, listening to music, playing DS, etc. It was fun. The first event I swam in was the 200 Medley Relay. I swam Breaststroke, but our team wasn't very fast.. It made me sad, kinda. I hope that I can improve so that I won't be the person dragging our team relay down. So, after that, I thought I'd be waiting around the whole day until my 200 Free relay because I didn't make my individual events, but.. oh my.. Kristen, our coach, came to tell me that I'd be swimming in Heat 2 Lane 4 of 100 Breaststroke.. OH MY GOD. What happened?! Apparently, one person dropped out, and so the alternatives were up to swim in the event but.. THEY WEREN'T THERE EITHER. So, I was the one after that.. and obviously, I was the alternative. I was totally not prepared for that, so I was really nervous and anxious, but just like yesterday, I dealt with it. I actually gained four seconds.. which means I'm not a very consistent swimmer. I knew that already, though. At the end of the meet, I found out that Girls Varsity ranked second! We probably only lost to Prospect because.. Prospect had a diving team. What the heck, right? I mean, it's not even fair because they get points for diving.. most schools don't have a diving team...

After the swim meet, our team headed towards the carnival to hang out. I met with Julie for a bit, and after Brandon and Kevin came, we left and headed to Jamo's house. After that, May's mom came to pick us up and we headed to Red Robins. I... that burger was so huge... The fry refills.. Yeah, after that, we walked around Eastridge, and I bought a top from Forever 21. Haha, while we walked to and from stores, or just walking in general around the mall, a couple times, Susie would walk next to me! I mean.. I don't know if he even noticed it.. but it made me a bit giddy. After that, I headed home, and I went home with Eddie, Travis, Justin, and some other dudes. Eddie dropped off Travis and the dudes at Hikido, and after that, I was dropped off almost exactly across the street from my home street. Like yesterday, I jaywalked and was home!

Sunday.. today... was fun. I woke up around 11:30 A.M. and went to get ready to go to my school carnival. Today, we planned to do face painting for kids who were attending the carnival. I was the first swimmer there! When I first set up with Vicky, Caroline, Kristen, and Ben.. a little girl and her dad came and the little girl wanted to get a tiger on her face.. She chose May's design.. and May wasn't here to paint. So I was thinking.. "Oh my god, I'm going to mess up.. Oh my god, the little girl is going to cry.." but it actually turned out okay! It looked really cute, and I was happy that she liked it. I painted on a lot of little kid's and swimmers' faces. One little boy asked for an elephant tatoo, and it was just the cutest thing ever! I put a wet towel over his arm, and after that I told him to count to 30. Obviously, I counted with him, but it.. was so adorable! The most unexpected request for face painting was.. Patrick Star from Spongebob. After hearing that.. I was like.. How am I going to draw that..? The kid seemed happy though. And the whole day I snuck glances at Susie. I hoped he didn't notice..? Maybe? Yeah. At the end of the day, we kept tatooing each other with Vicky's tatoos. I have a couple. Haha, overall, it was a really fun day.

I came home, and did some stuff, showered, and now, I'm at my cousin's house, typing away on my little cousin's laptop which he let me borrow for a bit. He's so adorable. He has the "asian" haircut.. I'll find a picture later. He's so adorable! I guess that's it for now, until next time! The best part about this weekend was I got to see Susie Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Some of you more keen people probably can figure out who he is by now.. but, keep it a secret okay? It's a secret between the two of us! Maybe one day he'll read this and figure it out, but that time isn't now, so Hah.

Fried

Eh.. Today wasn't a very productive day.. I woke up, and checked my e-mail at 6:40 in the morning. Turns out, I received an e-mail from a girl named Emi. About.. four to five.. months ago I think? I posted on a site asking for some pen pals who could help me with my Japanese, and in return, I would help with their English. She seems nice, but I guess we'll just have to see about that.

Mom drove me to school. Where I waited in front of the D-Commons so I could go take my AP Calculus AB exams. Our proctor.. had the most asian accent ever. He even stumbled on very easy words. All in all, a terrible and unclear proctor. I wonder who decides who proctors each exam..? The multiple-choice no calculator section was easy, but holy crap, the free response questions.. I didn't get any of them at all. I'm screwed. Crap. The test lasted from ~8:15 am - 12:30 pm. The test took a very long time. Calculus has fried my brain. I can hardly think straight, and I'm going to take a nap after this.

Last night, I signed up to take the SAT IIs, subject tests. The only school left was Logan HS, which is in Fremont. Oh my god, I have to wake up early on a Saturday. To take the damn SAT IIs.. God, that is so annoying..

I'm still waiting for news on my host family, but I'm attending the general orientation on May 16th, at Berkeley's Tilden Regional Park, or something like that. Hopefully by then, I'll have heard something about my host family. Now that I know I'm going.. I'm worrying about finishing up my school work so that I can survive this year with my GPA still intact. It's bad that I keep slipping in a lot of my classes...

I have a seven page research paper due tomorrow. On conformity. I haven't started yet. I'm screwed. Argh, wish me luck guys, but for now, it's time to take a nap.

Lets do the Dishes!

Today, I told my mommy I loved her. Haha, it may seem silly, but I'm truly grateful that she loves me. I pretend not to see it sometimes, but it's hard to ignore it when it's as clear as day. She paid for the remainder of the tuition and she's also stopped bugging me about career choices, etc. I'm so happy that it's been so cool with my parents recently. I know it must be hard for them because this is the first time that I'll be gone for such a long period of time. The longest I've ever been away from home is about a week.. and to have that length multiplied by six.. coming so soon, it must be tough for them. I know that during my exchange, I'll change a lot too, but I don't think I'll ever love my parents less, although I'll have another pair of parents, I'll love them the same, if not more when I return. Ah, this seems like such a sentimental post.

I'm thinking of making an actual calendar with all my due dates and stuff for this month.. It's so busy, it'd help me keep on track, and it'd also give you guys an idea of just how busy May is for me. I'm not just whining about this stuff. I promise. Haha, goodness, instead of doing homework, I'm making a calendar instead.. I'm so bad. The extent of my procrastination.. where will it end?

I blog to procrastinate. I play games to procrastinate (after this, I'm heading over to my bro's room so we can play some Samurai Warriors, LAWL). I listen to music to procrastinate.. ah. So bad. Which reminds me! I had the most awesome dream last night, haha. It was great. So, I received a call from YFU telling me my parents were in a hotel somewhere in Japan. They gave me the address, and off I went, to go stay with them on their short vacation. After arriving at the hotel room.. no one was there! I was disappointed, but opened the door with they key I had gotten from YFU. A few minutes later, my mom calls and tells me my family is coming.. and they magically appear at the door. She tells me everyone is staying in the hotel room, to which I respond, "Mom. You can't. The host family paid for this, it's their money! You need to stay in another room!" After that, my mom, dad, brother, and sister rented another room in the hotel and they disappeared.

So, with my family gone, and me bored, I popped in a movie to watch. Lo and behold, a knock comes at the door! I open it to see.. Who else but DBSK?! Haha, at this point, I was thoroughly enjoying my dream. DBSK in my hotel room? Bring it. They invited themselves in and we started eating dinner. I don't remember why they came.. they must've had a good reason. But anyways, after everyone was done, I gathered the plates on the table, and.. OMG. JaeJoong wrapped his right arm around my shoulder and led me to the sink. <3 Haha, he even gave my shoulder a little squeeze! I washed the dishes with him. I just think that's so adorable! And then after that, we went to the theaters to watch a movie; the same movie I was watching before DBSK had arrived. Wth? XD Yeah. And then I woke up because my cell phone was ringing--Mom was calling me to wake up. That was 6:30. I fell back asleep and woke up at 6:55 to get ready for school.

Well, I must admit, that's the most awesome dream ever, but how likely is it that it'll happen in real life? Probably .000000000000000001%. Like 1 out of a billion chance that it'll happen. Seriously. Haha. I washed dishes with JaeJoong.. and he had his arm around my shoulder.. Ah, I can still imagine it. And for some reason, the hotel room had a kitchen and a dining room and a living room... The kitchen sink reminded me of my home kitchen sink, I think. I was too distracted by JaeJoong to care though. Ah, what else will my mind come up with?

Yeah, I think that's it. Nothing much for today. I gotta get ready for a Calculus AP exam tomorrow morning. Cramming at this point won't help anyways. I hope I do well.. I know I'm going to fail though.. Eff. I may update this post with a calendar of what I'm doing this month. Procrastination at its finest.. what did I tell you? Anyways, till then.

Don't Fuck with Me

God. I feel like at any moment now, the world is going to cave in around me. My schedule is just so packed this month, I have no clue how I'm going to accomplish ANYTHING at all. My mom sent in the scholarship payment, so right now, all I have to do is go to the bank and exchange some money so I have spending money when I'm over there in Japan. Hopefully, I bring enough--I doubt it-- so that I can buy what I want, but also bring back souvenirs. It's going to be my money anyways. My family is probably going to help out with paying for the cost of the scholarship, but I feel so bad for depending on them for the money. I really want to get a job, so I can quickly pay back my parents. Mostly my mom. I know she's always fussing and nagging about the cost of living being too expensive, and I know what she's implying, but underneath all that, she really does support me. For that, I'm glad.

Today, I got an SAT practice exam from my Chemistry teacher. Instead of taking it, I'm blogging. Ah, the joys of procrastination. Registration for the Subject Tests are over after May 5, and anytime after that there must be a late fee paid to register. I'm hoping I score pretty well on this practice test so that I can sign up and do well on the real thing. Hopefully. I just feel so busy this whole entire week. I feel pressured to do well in school, pressured to do well in swimming.. There's just so much going on.

I took a nap this afternoon. Right afterschool, after checking my e-mail and other sites for updates, I hopped into bed and napped until 7:30. I woke up and then showered and then went to go eat, and now am writing this blog. I feel bad for missing out on sleep. It makes me a crabby person, and feeling angry and tired is not fun. Preferably, I'd like at least eight to ten hours of sleep, but that's probably wishful thinking. The one good thing though, was I fell asleep listening to Dong Bang Shin Ki, specifically, I fell asleep to a verse JaeJoong was singing. Which is even better. Ah, drifting off into wonderland with JaeJoong in my ear, heaven~

Which reminds me of what happened in History class. So, after French, I walked into my History class and sat down. Mr. Marchand announced to us that our group meetings (we needed 10 for our portfolio) counted during class too. Which made him not as much of an asshole for assigning this project. God. And then I had to ask him what would happen because I wasn't going to be present. He told me that.. I'd just have to miss what I miss. Goddammit. That made me paranoid the whole damn period during our group meeting. It doesn't make matters any better, but I've realized that if I divide this project into manageable chunks that even some of my.. less able team members will be able to accomplish this. Afterschool, i had to talk to him about me missing school for a week again.. and then he said he'd have to kill me. Alright, at this point in my head I was screaming and cussing him out, but I just nodded me had and said "Uh.. huh?" After doing that a couple times, he was like.. "I'm just fucking with you. -laughlaugh-" WHAT THE FUCK. YOU DON'T DO THAT TO A STUDENT WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT HER FUCKING GRADE ENOUGH TO COME FUCKING TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT. God. Marchand. Don't fuck with me. Seriously.

Well, that's about it. I made flash cards for hirigana and katakana, and some kanji. I'm trying to have some kanji down before I leave so that I'm not ill-prepared for the explosion of kanji when I arrive in Japan. All in due time, I'm sure. Aiyeah.

Overwhelmed

It's been a while. I guess. So many good and bad things have happened.. and so I'm kind of just neutral right now. This whole week has been filled with.. a whirlwind of events. And now I realize my May has gotten a whole lot busier because there's only about a month of school left..

Anyways, on April 28, Tuesday, I believe, I received my letter from YFU, informing me I had won the Okinawa Peace Scholarship. It was the best moment. Ever. I've been milling over the idea of me in Japan.. for a whole summer. It's sad that I didn't get the full scholarship, but, beggars can't be choosers, now, can they? I really appreciate the fact that I won a scholarship at all. It's amazing. I haven't got any information on my Host Family yet. Oh yes, for the sake of censoring.. haha.. censoring.. Anyways, I'm making a new blog for my homestay in Japan, so that my regular blog stays just that. Regular. [Link]

As soon as I got the letter though, my mom just.. all of a sudden decided she wanted to talk to me about future careers that I may end up wanting to go for. Immediately, she commented, "When you go over to Japan, you'll see how expensive it is, and so why don't you start thinking a bout a job that will make you a lot of money?" And she really said it in a condescending tone. I do not like it when people try to tell me what to do with my life. I know my mom means well, and she wants me to grow up with a good, stable job, living a good life, but honestly, if I wanted to be some starving artist on the street then, goddammit, that's what I'm going to be. My mom just doesn't understand that I want to choose my own way, and that choosing a career means choosing the job you're going to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life. Even when I try to explain this to her, she brushes it away, saying that "Fun isn't everything." I don't want to go to a job I hate every day and go home bitter and angry.

Enough about my mom, I now have to deal with this constantly until I leave for Japan. If I'm leaving at all. The partial scholarship only covered two-thirds of the cost of the trip, so now my parents have to pay $2000 for me to go. It's certainly a lot, and to be honest, I don't know if my parents can afford to pay that money for me to go. We'll see I guess. Payment is due in about a week, and so I'll see if I make the deadline...

School has been okay. As okay as school can get anyways. Now with the Swine Flu going around, everybody's been extra cautious with a lot of things. We had STAR testing all week long this week, and next week I'll have to start thinking about AP testing. God, so many things going on. I also have a 2000 point project that was assigned to me in History class. I now refer to it as my "fucking project" because my stupid teacher assigned us groups. I don't even work well with members in my group. Goddammit, if it isn't bad enough, I'm borderline A- in his stupid class, and this project will either make or break my grade. It's 30% of our semester grade, and we only have a month. One month. To get it together, and do all this other shit that needs to be done with the project. I feel like bashing my head in. I hate him. I hate my history teacher. I seriously do.

In other news, now that it's May, I have Fanime to look forward to, but in the end, I might end up worrying about my fucking project to have any fun at the con. And what with Swine Flu going around.. and the threat of contracting the virus from a bunch of strangers who are going to be breathing the same air I'm breathing is kind of.. unnerving. I also need to finish my cosplay up if I want to go.. Yeah.. I really need to finish. Twenty days may seem like a lot, but in all honesty..? It's not. And my stupid skirt that I'm working on is just bugging the hell out of me. I've ironed the pleats on that thing at least 4 times. Each time did not look good, which meant me ironing the pleats out, and then trying to iron some better pleats in. It takes me at least a half hour to an hour to iron the goddamn pleats out, and at least the same amount of time to iron new pleats in. This sucks.

Yeah. I guess that's about it for now. I'm going to need counseling after this month is over. It's so busy, I think I'm going to need a planner or SOMETHING to keep me on track. Schools almost over. AP testing. The fucking project is due in a month. Fanime. Preparing for my trip to Japan. Taking my finals early because I leave before school lets out. Damn. It's going to be a long month. FML.

Chasing a Shadow

Wow. I haven't updated in a while. Life's been.. eh.. full of things that have been keeping me occupied.

Last week, during Spring Break, my orchestra went down to Anaheim for the Heritage Festival, and four days of fun!

Or so I thought.

Seriously? For me, I just felt like I was constantly trying to catch the attention of one person, who shall remain unnamed. Julie probably knows. Haha, who am I kidding? She knows. Well, we left on Thursday, early in the morning. 6:30 A.M. early. We loaded up the coach bus, and we were off~ I sat next to a dude named George, who.. used my shoulder as a pillow half-way through the ride. Eck. I mean.. I don't really mind, but at least TELL ME FIRST?! His head kind of just went.. -plop- and I was thinking, "Ew, wtf?" Well, anyways, the ride down there, I was playing my ds with Eddie, Brian, Wendy, and Felicia, playing Mario Party, Tetris, and what not, and listening to my Zune. After about.. six or seven hours? We were at Magic Mountain!

The moment I stepped off that bus.. I followed him. Ugh. I sound like a lost dog. I hung out with his group of friends and stuff.. sort of. They turned out to be really cool guys, but it was really awkward because I was the only girl in the group, and sometimes I felt really excluded. But that's just me. Maybe I'm imagining some things? Maybe not. I also had other reasons for going with this group. One would be because guys are more likely to go on roller coasters, so I didn't want to worry about someone staying behind because they were too "scared" to go on it. That day was really fun, but tiring, and at 6:30~6:45 ish, we headed back to the bus to head towards our hotel, which was the "Anaheim Park Hotel." It was pretty nice there.

When we got to the hotel, after about.. an hour of driving? After unpacking and stuff, I headed towards the guys' room to see what they were going to get for dinner. We ended up walking to Carl's Junior which was kind of, not really, close. And then we had to go back to our rooms for curfew after we came back. I showered hung out with Vicky, Caroline, and Tracy before going to bed. Vicky likes to steal my blanket! I was glad no one in my room snored. Haha, I was out like a log. One thing I notice is that when I'm on trips where I'm not with family, I'm a really light sleeper. Something I learned just last week, surprisingly.

Friday and Saturday was Disneyland. Hung out with the same group of guys again. Oh dear, Friday NIGHT, the guys wanted to go on Splash Mountain. What could I do but follow them? Eddie was an idiot. Forced me to sit in front of the log. I was so close to crying the whole damn ride. It totally ruined my day. Ah well, it's done and over with. Whatever. After the ride, though, I was soaked. It was totally not fun. I think Kevin let me borrow his jacket, which was really sweet of him. Saturday morning, we woke up at 5 A.M. Holy crap, that was super early. We had to get ready for our performance in the morning because we were the first group up to perform. It went okay. That night was the awards ceremony, and it was totally lame. One school kept getting all the awards. Why? BECAUSE THEIR SCHOOL SPECIALIZED IN PERFORMING ARTS. It made me so angry that other schools like Independence wasn't given a chance at all.

Sunday I packed, hopped on the bus and went home. On the way back, we stopped by Pismo beach, and I built a sand castle, just for Julie! You better like it, you butt. I spent like.. thirty~thirty-five-ish minutes making that sand castle, and my legs were trembling from supporting my weight the entire timmeee. Oh well. Here is the picture!

Yeah. It was an okay sand castle. I had to build it all by myself, and wasted the first ten minutes 'cause I was too close to the waves. Which made me feel extremely stupid. After that, I rushed all the way back to the bus, stopping by the souvenir shop to buy my family some stuff. Back on the bus, we had to wait an extra fifteen minutes because some of the students were late, which was a really stupid idea because if we were there any longer, the bus driver would've been fined, and the students who were late would have to pay it.

That was basically Disneyland, summed up in a couple of paragraphs.

This last week has been really hectic, what with the grading period ending soon and everything else, I've just been loaded with so much Chemistry and Calculus, and History. Shit, if I ever survive this, I'll do something. I swear.

This next week is all about STAR testing. From Tuesday to Friday, we have STAR testing. I wish I was a senior, because they aren't taking it! Ah, and this week, the letter from YFU is supposed to come, or estimated to come anyways. I hope I win at least one scholarship.. It's all I think about now.. That and JaeJoong.. haha. Yeah, I'm constantly thinking about if I got in or not, and where I would be if I got accepted.. and what my host family is like. If I receive a letter saying I got in, the first thing I'd do is look for info in the packet about my host family! Then I'd proceed to writing them an e-mail or a letter, or SOMETHING to contact them. That would be so exciting.

I guess that's enough for now. The biggest event this month was my trip to Disneyland, but once I get the letter, this month will be monumental. I absolutely can't stand the wait anymore!

Façade

Sometimes, I have to think real hard about who I am. I've always portrayed myself as someone who is really "happy-go lucky." I'm always cheery, always happy. It may be too presumptuous for me to say this, but I feel like people really depend on this aspect of me. If I was no longer happy.. what would happen? Mornings would be dull, everyone would more tired... Can I really say that? Do I have that much of an impact on people?

It just got me thinking. When I'm neutral, I smile. When I'm irritated, I smile. When I'm sad, I smile. What is my life? What have I been doing hiding behind this fake image that I've built of myself? I feel that if I were to take down this barrier, people would run and hide because of the ugliness of my character. It may not happen, but I fear it so much that I can't help myself from hiding further and further away from the real world.

What got me thinking like this? I honestly have no idea. Maybe it was because I was looking through all my old pictures. I look like I'm really really genuinely smiling, but the thing is.. I wasn't. Half the time, I knew I just pulled the corners of my lips up, crinkled my eyes a bit and ta-da. Smile.

My new mission is to start showing others more of myself.. I guess I should grow up, and stop thinking to please others--it is, afterall, my own life. Just a bit at a time.. and possibly, I'll get there one day.

Can I really stop smiling for my own sake? God, I don't know anymore, I'm tired, my head is running around in circles..