Tears

I thought about so many things today.

I cried.

Why?

So, I'm up in Stockton this weekend with my cousin Tammie. She's like my best bud.

I have officially texted Charlie. Haha, it was okay, I guess. I'm not quiet sure. It's complicated, and I hate people being judgmental and telling me what they think instead of what they know. Honestly? I know he has a girlfriend. I know I shouldn't be saying half the stuff I'm saying, but I can't help it. We're only talking as friends, and I'll be damned if someone thinks I'm trying to ruin they're relationship, because I'm not. Life sucks.

Anyways, spent the day playing the clothespins game and chubby bunny. Learned some new stuff, I guess. Hmm, fashion show rehearsals on Tuesday, I think. If I made it in? o_o

In other news, I'm still working on everyone's Christmas presents. And I still have not opened ANYTHING. :< I want to peek so bad.

Peeved

I hate when I don't know what's going on.

Gobble Day

Thanksgiving was okay. Hung out with family. Had a sleepover at my cousin's while my dad gambled away in the other room. Mother left for SD and so we had no food at home.. Yeah..

Hmm. Nothing much. Worked on college apps, and now I.. MUST turn it in, but my personal statements are like.. CRAP. D: I DON'T KNOW OMG. MY LIFE IS AHEAD OF ME AND WHAT DO I DO?! What if I don't get in? This feeling of anxiety, I remember all too well from last year. But it's worse. This isn't about some temporary trip for six weeks to a far away country. This is about a four year commitment that will inevitably lead to my future.

Choosing a major, choosing a school, writing essays, I'm afraid. Where will all of this take me?

Oh my.

So many things have passed.. and I haven't blogged. Sorry! Dx There were things like.. my cousin's wedding, college apps, water polo.. but alas, those shall forever be memories.

So, today, I was walking to Flickinger Park. I went on the swings and read my book swinging for an hour.. Going back home, I stepped on a particularly crunchy leaf. :3 I feel like a kid again..

I went shopping with Melanie! O: I bought a vest, a jacket, and boot/heels for a total of: $29.50. Not bad, not bad at all.

Peace Out. <3

It's too early for this.

The date for my cousin's wedding approaches ever closer. Slowly. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It's only in.. six days. I can't believe it myself. So, for my cousin's wedding obviously, I'd need a dress, no? Me and my sister went to buy a dress with my mom today.

Results? Terrible.

Two weeks before, I had gone with my mom and sister to Macy's, and lo and behold, what did we find there? Me and my sister ended up choosing the same exact dress, which was why the much needed shopping date today was scheduled.

We decided to head to the Great Mall.

Walked around a little bit, went into some stores to see their dress selections. And Ah! We found a nice store with some nice dresses. After about half an hour of trying dresses on, I finally had narrowed my choices down to only one. Only one dress which looked gorgeous. It wasn't a long flowy dress that looked elegant and formal.. but at the same time, it wasn't like a miniskirt that would flip at the slightest wind..

And SO. We went to the cashier and the lady put it in. It came out to a whooping 118.99 dollars. My mom decided to be cheap, if that's what you call it, anyways. She was like.. "Oh, since I'm paying with cash do you think you can give me a discount?" and the lady told us that the most she could discount it was 10%. It came down to 108.09 and then my mom was like.. "Oh, since I'm paying with cash, I'm going to pay you 100 dollars for that." The lady at this point was kinda giving us a WTF face, but it was still okay. BUT, THEN, my mom found a small INSEY WEENSY LITTLE BROKEN TTHREAD. She started scratching it, pulling it. I was getting pissed off. I knew she would use this as an excuse to lower the dress's price even MORE.

At this point, I walked out of the store with my sister in tow. Hoping for the best, I stayed outside of the shop, hoping that it would be okay. That everything would be alright. My mom came out of the shop, purse in hand and no bag in the other.. say what? Rewind. No bag? That's right, she came out of the store WITHOUT the dress.

At this point, I have to stop and wonder WHAT THE HELL DID SHE SAY?

Not only did she rip the store off of $20, but after that, she came out with NOTHING.

Turns out she was pissed off at the FUCKING BAG the store gave her. ARE YOU SERIOUS? FOR A FUCKING DRESS?! Do any of you guys know how frustrating and upsetting it was for me? I thought that dress was gorgeous, was beautiful, as PERFECT for the wedding.

I cried the whole way out of the mall. Mascara and eye-liner runny, I kept wiping at my eyes, the tears relentlessly falling down my cheeks. It was so embarrassing. IT IS SO EMBARRASSING to have a mother like this. Why?

It just makes me so angry every time I go shopping with her. And then she starts yelling at me in the car, telling me that the dress didn't look good on my anyways, that I was as fat as a pig and that I needed to pick a dress with more "class". What the fuck. I might as well wear jeans and t-shirt to the wedding. I don't even feel like going anymore. First she refused to pay. Second she puts the blame on me, insulting me. I feel so upset and frustrated and I just want someone I can cry this all out to.

I don't even want to look or talk to my mom. It frustrates me that much.
I'm mad. I'm upset. I just want to cry.

I haven't posted in.. a long while, which must be surprising, or not. Some people know me better than others, haha.

The search for the "me" of the future has not ended. I'm still wandering aimlessly, but at least it's a start from standing completely still..

The new year has started.. nothing exciting has happened.. water polo practice is everyday after school. My class schedule is quite fun. I've had a lot of time to start settling in, and I think today's year will be pretty chill. I have some scary teachers, but it's not that bad, I can deal. French is going to be a lot more fun than I think. I'm actually really interested in French.. and as for what sparked me to pursue more literacy in it.. I started listening to Feuilles Mortes by Yves Montand again. I listened to the song two years ago, and didn't understand a lick of it, but now that I've matured in the language, I can understand, which makes me want to learn more and more! I'm so excited!

Math.. ugh, Calculus BC. Bummer. I'm gunna have to really focus this year if I want to get that "A" and "5" on my AP test and in class. It's not that bad though. Copes is as cool as ever, and my classmates are pretty cool too, so I won't have such a hard time.

I'm taking Jewelry and Sewing this year, and I can feel my creative juices flowing already. So much I want to do.. and yet there is so little time to realize all of it. I'm just excited that I get to learn the basics and start on something that I plan to pursue as a hobby in the future..

I've also taken to learning guitar, and today, we went to go buy a guitar from some dude who put his ad up on craigslist. The guitar was actually for my brother, but I tagged along anyways. The thing is though..

Am I being too pushy? I overheard my brother talking to my mom and sister. He went on about how I have violin, my sister has bass, and him starting guitar. He doesn't want me to learn guitar because apparently, it's his "thing." Why can't it be my thing too? I mean, I already know how to play violin and piano, wouldn't be obvious that I want to learn guitar too? I mean, there so many MORE instruments I want to learn.. What's up with my bro's jealousy? It's not like I'm going to take his guitar when he's practicing, so what's with the selfishness?

Urgh, it just makes me angry and sad.. and so many other feelings that my own brother can't even understand me. It's not like I'm trying to be better than him. If I am.. well, he can just suck it. It's not my fault.

Urrgghh. I hate this. Anyways. Back to my life? I dunno, it's pretty dull except for the occasional, "Oh my gosh!" moment..

My cousin's getting married on the 26th! So, yesterday, me and my sister went to go dress shopping with my mother. We happened to pick the same dress because we both thought it looked gorgeous.. well, I guess we do share the same genes afterall. I'm thinking that whatever dress I buy for the wedding will be my homecoming dress, so I've got to choose carefully! Anyways, I guess that's all for now.

Mediocre

So, I just realized today, my life has no meaning.

How, oh how did I ever come up with this?

Whether I'm eating, shopping, walking, or even going to practice.. I don't get any enjoyment from any of that stuff. Why did I join Water Polo? "Because I like the sport and wanted to get better!" Is the answer most people would reply with.. For me, that's not the case. It's another one of my ploys to seem normal, to seem like I have something to do. When in reality.. I honestly could care less.

My life has no direction. I have no goals. You're probably tired of hearing this.. but I constantly feel this way.

I really like to sew and draw, but I know without a doubt in my mind, I am not good enough, to even think about looking for a career in those fields. I may be narrow-minded in saying this, but what other options do I have to choose from? I've lived such a sheltered life. My parents have always provided me the things I needed in the past, have always shoved deep into the crevices of my brain that the only way to become successful in life is to become a doctor.

I just don't feel like waking up everyday to go to the hospital/clinic for the next fifty years is something I want to do. I don't hate it.. but I don't like it enough to make a career out of it.

Why does this have to be so hard? I don't want to apply to college, get student loans, graduate, and end up having to live back with my parents again while working at odd jobs to pay off those stupid student loans.. It's not something I want to do, but at this point in time, I see no future..

I wish I was good at something besides math, even then, I'm not even that good. I'm mediocre. Yes, that describes me perfectly..

Only uncertainty waits ahead

So, today I hung out with Julie. It was great, to hang out, to talk, to laugh together.

The day started off with me being really excited to head to Julie's house, and then my mom was lagging, my sister was lagging.. everyone was making me late.. and I just got hella pissed off at my mom and sister 'cause I had promised Julie that I'd be there at 1, and in actuality I got to Julie's house at around 1:30.. Well, I arrived at Julie's house and greeted her dad and her mom and then headed to her room. We talked for a while and then Abby came over and talked to Julie.

After Abby went to go somewhere at three.. we decided to head to Brandon's house to hang with him and Wendy. I went over and then talked with Wendy a lot and.. haha, Wendy is such an adorable airhead. I swear, she must be blonde. P: She's so silly.

Anyways, after we talked for a while, listened to some music, played some guitar, and talked for a little bit more, Brandon had to go to work, and while we were at his house, we were waiting for Kevin to come over, and he still hadn't arrived, but we decided to head out anyways or else Brandon would be late to work. Well, we met up with him and then Brandon had to leave for work.. on his bike.. Yeah, so me, Julie, Wendy, and Kevin walked to Bambu and we drank milk tea there.. talked for a long while.. and then listened to some K-Pop and J-Pop.. I got to see at least three DBSK music videos, yay. But Wendy kept insulting the music.. I mean.. I know she didn't mean any harm.. maybe? But just hearing her bash the music I liked.. and Julie and Kevin didn't really like it either.. and since they were talking about music.. I dunno, I just really didn't fit in I guess.. and so I guess I just stopped trying and stared around the place..

Yeah.. the whole first half of the day was really.. Made me feel like I didn't really belong.. I mean, I've been gone for six weeks, but I realized I've missed so many things while I was here, that I just can't seem to make up that lost time..

After that, Julie's mom picked me and Julie up at Bambu and then drove us back to Julie's house, where me and Julie just talked a lot.. A LOT.

We talked about things I missed over the summer, which made me feel a bit bad because.. it sounded so fun.. like.. why wasn't I there? Oh yeah, I was gone in Japan, missing everyone. I kind of feel.. like I don't belong anywhere, it's a hard feeling to describe.

We also talked about the future.. and I guess this is going to be the main focus of my post right now. My mom's been bugging me about what kind of career I want to take up. I constantly tell her that I don't know.. and I honestly don't. Seriously? Doctor, Lawyer, Dentist? Does she really thing I want those things as a career? She's sadly mistaken.. I've told her once that I wanted to be an Artist.. or maybe a musician, I also threw in a teacher.. She flat out rejected my ideas. My dad once told me that I had to be a doctor or he would disown me.. this was right before my birthday.. and he told me I'd either be a doctor or I could walk out of the house right at that moment.. It was really hard for me..

I also had a talk with my mom a couple of days ago in the car, and we were talking about colleges, and she had asked me what I wanted to be, again. Of course I told her I didn't know, but she thought that I was only hiding it because she wouldn't be happy with what I wanted to be. She started talking about college money, and if I didn't tell her, she wouldn't help me pay my way to college, talking about "If I were to spend money on something, I want to be able to know what it will do and what I can get out of it.." Something along those lines.

Say what?

I'm an investment. Great mom. Thanks for telling me that the only reason you spent money on me was so I could make more money. I never did tell her what I want to be.. but when I talk about the future.. it's just so uncertain.

I'm applying to colleges in three months. What the hell am I going to do with my life? I'm a Jack of all trades but a Master of none. Seriously. I touch upon violin, piano, guitar.. sewing, knitting, drawing, and so many other things, but I'm honestly no damn good at any of it. Some people may argue that I'm good at violin, but no, I'm not. Seriously? I just practice my goddamn ass off.

So, that leads to the question. Where do I see myself in the future? I can't even see myself a year into the future.. that would be me, getting ready to leave for college.. I can't even see this. I think about the future.. and I see everyone has something planned, everyone has something to do, knows what they want to do.. maybe at least has some vague idea of what they want to do.. I HAVE NONE. I'm just floating around in my own world, and I honestly can say.. I don't know. I really.. don't know.

I could drop dead right now, and no one would care. I haven't made enough of an impact on anyone's life for them to care. The world would not be losing an important person. That's what I feel. I have no goal in life, no dreams.

My goal? Have fun.

My dream? I have none.

Really now? To be honest.. yes.

I feel so rushed.. it's my senior year, applying for colleges is right around the corner.. I know I want to go to UCLA, but why? I ask myself everyday. What do I want to do? What do I want to be? I die a little on the inside every time my mom criticizes me, which is why I don't tell her anything..

Honestly? I love East Asian Languages. I love people. I love children. I love psychology. I love music. I love fashion. It's all so jumbled and different.. What can I do? What kind of career can I choose that won't make me miserable twenty years in the future? My life's just beginning.. I dunno, I wanted to cry talking about this to Julie, I feel like a nobody on this wide earth.

I also talked about friends.. and how I only have like.. two. Julie and Robert. Those two are the only people who know me.. who will be willing to hand out with me and deal with my bad attitude. I whine too much and I'm too stubborn for my own good.. I talk with people.. lots of people.. but honestly? They're not my friends..

Ugh, just wallowing in my own self hate and the insecurity of the future. I feel like watching a sad movie just to let all my tears out. It's hard to talk to someone face to face about these things, but I'm glad I have Julie, I can always count on her, and I guess that's why she's my best friend..

I know I've wronged people in the past, and I truly apologize, I honestly didn't mean to, if you believe me at all. Yeah.. okay, I guess that's it. Good night everyone. Hope everyone's having a better night/day than I am..


キマグレン - Life

The world we live in is always full of so many lies
I’m suppressing myself and putting on a smile
I hid my emotions because I was afraid of being hurt
But before I knew it I forgot who I was, who am I?

My true self wants to cry, wants to laugh
I hold it in and never let anyone know
I can’t say what I want to say, but I’m right here
My true self wants to cry, wants to laugh
I hold it in and never let anyone know
You must live for yourself

Tears Keep Falling

Hey guys, so I'm back at home now, but I'm feeling more and more miserable and sad. I haven't had time to start updating my other blog, but I just felt like right now, all I want to do is rant.. and rant and rant all my tears and frustrations away. I know that ya'll would rather read something more interesting, but it's just so hard to keep these feelings inside that I need to vent it out, and I can only take it out here on this blog, for I fear to hurt others feelings.

Well, I got back in California at maybe around ten in the morning? I waited at baggage claim for about an hour with all my YFU friends that I had made at SJSU orienation. Everyone's going their separate ways and it's just so hard to fully realize this.. I don't know how to explain it, it was literally parting ways because everyone lives in different states. Karen went back to Fremont I think.. which is kind of close, but Andrea went back to New York. Yeeling is still in Miyako, six thousands miles of ocean separating me and her.. and my Miyako friends too.

Did I mention I found a crush over the summer? I know it's not that big of a deal, but for me it was. This summer has been so fun, so exciting.. so much of a dream, and I fear that all the pictures and the memories I made are going to be forgotten. Memories are intangible. It's hard to keep believing they were real. My brain will forever try to beautify my memories of Miyako, and I may sound like a sap, but right now, I'm about crying my eyes out remembering the six weeks I spent in Miyako.

Well, not only am I missing Miyako, but I come back, I try calling friends and find out everyone's doing something. I guess that's the saying "Life goes on and time stops for no one." That may be true, but I guess I was hoping at least someone would say, "Anna, welcome home, I missed you, too." I mean, I may sound like an attention whore for saying this, but I was gone for six weeks.. Did no one miss me? Of course my mother and father, but that's to be expected.

I come back and feel like a puzzle piece that has fallen out and won't fit back into the picture. It's a hard feeling to describe. Maybe I'm just down in the dumps, maybe I'm being irrational. Maybe what I'm feeling is justified. I just don't feel like I fit in anymore. Where's my real home? I don't fit in in either world.. Did I impact the lives of my friends in Miyako? Did I make an impact in the lives of the YFU students and staff that I came into contact with? Will I remembered? Will I be a memory long forgotten?

The frustration of coming back home and hearing close to nothing from my friends.. Yeah sure, I got the "Hey Anna, you're back!" But that's really not what I want to hear. It reminds me too much of the home I left only days ago. What I really wanted to hear was, "Hey Anna, you're back, it must've been hard? I missed you. Let's hang for a while." My expectations may be high. I don't feel like I've changed, but maybe I have. I feel like people here have forgotten me, or maybe have changed by far too much. I feel like I don't belong.

My greatest fear is no longer the dark. It is the fear of forgetting and being forgotten. Memories are intangible. Memories fade. Sometimes memories are made more and more beautiful in the mind of the person, and when they are met with the real situation, it is no longer up to their expectations. Why does it have to be so hard? It's going to take a while to adjust. I just wish I had more support from friends. The people who really matter to me.. I feel like they no longer care. Family is always there, and maybe I take it for granted, but I really put my friends above family. I unconciously did it in Miyako, and I know I will continue to place friends above family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're reading this, I need someone to tell me I matter. Tell me you're still thinking of me. Tell me I'm not a forgotten memory. Tell me I'm a person. Tell me I'm alive. Confirm my existence because I can't do it for myself.

Happy Birthday, Julie. I'm sorry I can't spend it with you. I'm sorry that I didn't have anything planned. I'm sorry I'm a spontaneous person. I'm sorry I have to say all these things out so that you'll understand my feelings. I'm sorry.

That's it!

Okay, well, seeing as I have about one day left at home.. I might as well blog about my last day at school and.. my last day at home and what I've been doing.

So.. let's start with Friday, shall we? Oh my gosh, the Calculus final.. although it wasn't as bad as I though it would be.. it was still pretty hard! I'm scared that I'm not going to pass that class.. ugh.. God, I really need to step it up next year... Anyways, History final went by pretty well, we performed good, but dang, Economic Trends group did really good, with only three people. Props to them! We got like an 88% on our presentation, and then like, when he graded out portfolio, my grade actually went up a bit, so I'm pretty confident I have an A in History.. I'm not so sure about my other classes though.. Hmm.. Yeah, anyways, I hope that I have good grades in Chem.. I'm so freaking borderline in that class it's scary..

Er yeah. So, my last day at school went by pretty good. Really fast, if I must say so myself. Saturday, I woke up and.. SAT Subject test time... Hurrah. Not really. I woke up really early because, apparently, I had to drive down to James Logan High School because I signed up late for the subject tests, and that was the only test center they had left.. Well, i got there super early, and waited about an hour to get into my test room. I took the Math 2 and the Chem subject tests.. which I think I totally bombed by the way..

After the tests, I went home, ate pho with my parents and then headed to the Great Mall with my mom to buy my host brother something. After that, I came home, and now, here I am, typing up this blog. I just finished pack a while ago, but I have a feeling I'm going to forget something.. I really hope I don't.. I don't think I can just go home to grab something, even though I'll be in San Jose until Tuesday.. Urgh.. well, this is going to be my last post for the summer, for real this time, so hop on over to my home-stay blog! [Link]

And like this..

...one thing ends, and another begins.

As I've said before, it's kind of hard to wrap my head around the idea that I'll be leaving the country in about five days.. Well.. it's extremely hard. There's no kind of transition for me.. I mean, today will be my last day of school, and then after that, I'll have my SAT IIs tomorrow. I shouldn't even be awake right now.. I should be getting plenty of sleep for my finals, but I guess I just like to screw myself over or something.. Yesterday, I gave my English final speech. It was really great, but I felt like my message didn't really help anybody.. I hope that someone learned something and that my speech got a good score.. Oh yes, well, the only reason I got up to give my speech was because Julie went and gave her speech. It was really inspiring and motivating for me to give my speech after. Ah, I just heart Julie. :3 Her speech gave me the courage to go up to the podium and present.

Well, today is my Calculus final, French final, and History final. Omg, so many big class finals today. I'm freaking out as is because.. yeah.. omg this is going to be so insane. I'm scared that I might not get a good grade on this, etc. etc. Yeah. Gawd. I'm going crazy. I'm worrying so much, but I guess after approximately.. thirteen or fourteen hours, I won't have to worry about a thing.. maybe I should drink some monster or something at school tomorrow.. god.

I still haven't gotten information on my host family, but I'm hoping it will come in soon, I really want to buy gifts for them before I leave, so that I can have something to give them to show them how much I appreciate them for letting me have this wonderful experience. Ugh.. Well, Saturday is SAT IIs and then Sunday is the day I leave to go to SJSU with all the other winners of the Okinawa Peace Prize Scholarship. Monday, we hang at the SJSU campus learning etiquette and stuff.. I think.. and then I wake up early Tuesday morning to head down to San Fransico to catch my flight to Tokyo. As for the rest of my summer, I have no idea. I still haven't gotten packed yet! Ugh, I just know I'm going to forget something..

Anyways, this may or may not be my last blog on here until the end of summer, so just in case, I hope everyone has a wonderful summer, and if you want, you can check out my homestay blog. [Link]

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Lately, life's just not been too great.

Finals. It's really killing me how a few letters on a piece of paper can determine my whole future and career. Ugh. Honestly, I'm just trying to get through this week as fast as I can, but then I realize, I'd also want to stretch this week because I don't have enough time to finish everything. It's such a pain in the butt that all my classes are so weighty and that I'm borderline in a lot of my classes. Augh. So.. lets see, tomorrow, I have a final in my Calculus AB class and.. well, nothing much is happening tomorrow.. Thursday, I have Periods 1,2,3,4..? Is that correct? Which means a final in English and Chemistry. English is a speech, that I still need to organize.. I mean, I have my idea, but I need to organize it.. it's so scattered.. Chemistry, I'm screwed. I have a B+ in that class because I slack off on my homework.. kill me now. I don't think that final would change my grades that much. Eff. Music and Pyschology I'm not really doing anything much, just chilling, watching presentations.. Fridays, Periods 1,5,6,7. Calculus AB final part two, which is the mulitple choice section of the final. French 2.. final on Unit 6. I fail at l'imperatif. I'm doomed. Eff, I hope Biaye doesn't base my grade off one test.. And finally, U.S. History.. Presentation worth 2,000 points in that class. I'm so doomed. One of our group members decided to drop out.. Which means.. our group is basically screwed.

Anyways, after that, I have to study for the SAT IIs. I'm taking Math 2 and Chemistry, and I'm going to be taking it at Logan High School. Wtf. Where the heck is Logan High School? Apparently, it's an hour's drive away, which means I'm going to have to wake up earlier than I would usually have to to get down to Logan to find the testing center, etc. God, I hate when this happens.. I just hope that it'll be worth taking it and that I won't have to take my SAT IIs over again.. After that.. Well. I'd basically be done for the school year. After coming home from SAT IIs, I'd probably take a nap. Then, start the tedious process of packing, and buying souvenirs for my host family, which by the way, I haven't gotten information on yet. I'm still wondering when YFU will send that info home..

Ugh. I'm so dead, I'm so dead, I'm so dead, I'm so dead. I'm just thinking about all the work that needs to be done before I leave.. I only have three school days left, and then I'm done.. I can hardly believe I have three days left.. CAN YOU BELIEVE I HAVE THREE DAYS LEFT? O_O This school year has gone by so fast.. practically flew by these last few days, but at the same time, it's stretching on for eternity. Or maybe just the fact that three is such a small number.. but then again.. that's approximately 72 hours.. 4920 minutes.. if I did my math correctly, 295200 seconds? Lawl the mental math-ness of it all is hurting my brains. Anyways, three days.. three school days.. finals, too much to do, too little time.. And the clock keeps ticking while I waste my time blogging..

Argh anyways, I haven't been feeling too well for the past week, period. Just harboring all these hurt/frustrated/irritated feelings towards more than one person. It's draining quite a lot of energy from me these days, and it doesn't help the fact that I'm only getting an average of three hours of sleep per day.. I feel like my facade is slipping, slowly, slowly, slipping down, and I'll be exposed, vulnerable.

Rant Rant.

Oh dear, oh dear! I haven't blogged in a while have I? Well, I guess I should start with Fanime, which was last weekend, it was one of the highlights of this month. I guess, sorta. Things turned sour near the end, which made me really irritated/angry/frustrated, you name it.

Well, lets start off with Friday, shall we? On Friday, I went to school, like normal, and then, after school, Robert came to pick me up to drive me to Fanime! Yeah. :3 It was really fun. We dropped by my house and I changed into my Misa cosplay, and then we drove to Safeway to buy some apples for the Death Note gathering which was going on that day. After Safeway, we were on our way to Fanime! The driving directions.. well, let's just say, it didn't really help us, because we actually got lost on our way to Fanime. Yeah... Well, once we arrived, we walked around the con for a bit and then we dropped by Akusesu's and Hakuku's booth from dA. I totally idolized the both of them, they're such awesome cosplayers/artists. We met up with Doug and then headed towards the DN gathering, which Robert was late to because he was in line buying a badge... -coughcough- He totally missed the pictures. Yeah, well after that, the three of us walked to McDonalds and ate, after, we headed back, walked around, and at around eight o'clock, we went to watch the L: Change the World Movie. Oh my goodness, the most funniest, scariest, saddest movie ever. I swear! I won't spoil it for anybody, but some parts really made me cry, more so near the end. Uh, yeah, after the movie, which ended at about.. ten-thirty, me and Robert headed home. And that was Friday.

Saturday, woke up early, pincurled my hair all to my head... That took me about a good hour. It was really painfully long.. Then Robert came by and we headed towards a wig shop to buy myself a wig cap. After he came back, I put the wig cap on and put my red wig on. Saturday, I cosplayed as Kahoko Hino from La Corda D'Oro. I also brought my violin and Robert brought his trumpet, though we didn't even duet a lot. Yeah, that was kind of useless.. but I was walking around the con with my violin, and sometimes we would just stop and I would pull it out and play, which was really relaxing for me. Near midday I think, I met up with Lancing and her boyfriend Andrew. Holy dklfja, Lancing was gorgeous! She was cosplaying a girl from Touhou, and even though that girl was a blond.. it really suited her! And her cosplay was really pretty too, I would never be able to make something like that, it takes a lot of dedication on her part for that.. Oh wait, before we met up with Lancing, me, Robert, and Doug went to go eat at McDonalds, and after we headed back, we met up with Lancing, after her Touhou gathering. We walked around the con together and then we went to the Artist's Alley and we took a picture together in one of the Purichinka..(?) machines. It's so awesome because the pictures are stickers, so we can cut them out and stick them to our cellphones/bag/binder/book whatever you want. Yeah. It was really cute and I really liked taking the picture's cause it was really funny to see us try to fit the.. five of us in the picture without blocking everybody. Soon after that, we went to line up for the masquerade and eventually, at six-thirty I think? We were let into the civic auditorium to watch it. It wasn't all that great. Honestly, I think the masquerade the first year I went was the best. But maybe I'm being biased here.. Oh well, after that, me and Robert said our goodbyes and we headed home.

Ah.. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Nobody was going Sunday! It was terrible. I didn't know anyone who was going to Fanime on Sunday, which made me really sad! But after I found out Don was going, I headed towards his house so I would get a ride from him. Turns out he was crocheting a heart to give to this girl he had met at the Artist's Alley. He wanted to ask her out to the Black & White Ball later that evening. We planned to take dance classes so that when we got there, we'd know how to dance to at least one thing at the party. So all day, I was in my Kahoko Hino cosplay, once again, with my violin, and we just walked around the con. At one point, we visited Akusesu and Haku, and I told Aku a joke where I could get her to say "No." It was hilarious because she didn't realize when she said it! She just kind of looked at me with a blank expression, and I couldn't help but burst out laughing! At dance lessons, I met really cool dudes, especially a guy named Michael, who was a really easy lead to follow during the East Coast Swing, which was actually a really hard dance because of the weird "rocking" step that you had to do at the end.. anyways. After the East Coast Swing, we stuck around to learn the two-step which was a fancier way of slow dancing. After the lessons, me and Don headed back to his house to shower and get ready for the Black & White Ball. We stopped by my house to grab a dress and appropriate shoes. We got back to Fanime and I headed to the restrooms to change into my dress. Afterwards, we headed to the Black & White Ball, which was being held at the Fairmont Hotel. When we got there, we danced to a couple songs and soon headed back to the con and when we got there, we saw breakdancers! I totally was just mesmerized by those guys! I feel so inspired to start breakdancing, and so I think I want to learn it.. I hope I'll stick to it though. Anyways, Don left half-way through to walk around the con and after about thirty minutes, I went to go look for him. We ended up at the Gong Show, a karaoke contest where the judges get to bash the contestants and the "worst" singer wins. Given it was like ten-thirty when this thing started.. I really needed to get home, but I didn't want to be a spoil sport for Don, but when it got really late, I just HAD to say something. So I did, and we headed back to his house.. uh. Wtf? Please, my dad's getting hella pissed off, it's like twelve-thirty, can you not understand that? Of course I kept this to myself, but the fact that he wouldn't let me go home.. wtf. I came home late and my dad yelled at me.

Monday.. I woke up, got ready for Fanime, called Robert. Guess what he said? Surprise surprise. He's not feeling too well. So what the heck? Who's going to give me a ride to Fanime..? I brave the front and go to my parents room and try to ask my mom to drive me. She sounded like she was, but then all of a sudden, my dad goes berserk on me and tells me that, no, I can't go and that I'd have to stay home. Uh.. to do what? Honestly, after that, I kind of just sat in the living room, crying for about a good hour. WHAT THE FUCK. HONESTLY? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? You have no idea how angry I was at Don, at Robert, at myself. Monday is the fucking day where I buy my ticket for next year's Fanime. Monday's the day I actually BUY stuff in the dealer's room because half of the stuff goes on sale on Monday. So I went to my room. Slept until four. The time that I was supposed to get home from Fanime. I check my missed calls and I got some from Doug and Robert. What the fuck. Robert? Are serious? Turns out he went to Fanime. Ugh. Dude. Seriously. That's fucked up. I seriously had some temper issues on Monday, and overall it was a shitty day. What made it even more shittier was the fact that I had to go to my cousin's house for some stupid party. Where I got into a fight with my sister in the car. In which I proceeded to pinch her and she pinched me back. Dude. I seriously just fucking wished I never went to the con with Don on Sunday. I mean.. yeah he's alright and all, but a part of my honestly blames Don for the situation that I was in. Like.. seriously.. And I'm still mad at Don AND Robert.

So, that was basically my Fanime weekend. Turned out terrible in the end. I was supposed to take a picture with Haku on Monday too, but in the end, I didn't get to.. BECAUSE I DIDN'T FUCKING GO ON MONDAY. What the hell. Anyways, Tuesday went to school, Wednesday, went to school, Thursday.. concert night. I went to my concert dressed really nicely and after I , I see Robert coming down to say hi. Uh, so I told myself to act natural even though I was honestly really angry inside. Did just that. Found out at the very end that my mom came to watch me, which was sweet of her. We went to McDonald's after (me and my mom, it's tradition!) and then headed home.

Oh. One thing that really pissed me off during the week. So I got a new laptop last week, and I was bringing it to school on Thursday, and complaining about how windows vista on the laptop seriously sucks. I honestly don't like vista, and even though some of you may argue otherwise, I use the laptop for things other than schoolwork. Seriously. 320 GB and all I'd use it for is schoolwork? You have to be goddamn insane if you think that's all I'm going to be using it for. So, I know that Brandon Tan is like supposed to be really good at computers or something, or he gives off that kind of feeling. He helped Joyce with her computer, and I asked him to help me with mine. He's like, why not? So I ask him a couple things, and I want to get a few things installed. Okay. Vista's honestly a bitch to get used to. Instead, I ask him to take my laptop home to help me install like a couple programs, just to help me out. What does he say? "Oh, no, it's too heavy for me to carry." Dude. What the fuck. I have a freaking messenger back you can sling on your shoulder to carry home. I'm asking you to help me out here, which I never do. I mean, you fucking helped Joyce with her laptop. So, does that mean you'd help if it were any other person? Honestly? What. The. Fuck. This kind of thing just really pisses me off. If it were your bro, or the girl you liked, you would've brought it home in a fucking heart beat, no hesitation there. Goddamit, I hate this. I hate when it feels like nothing's going my way just because I'm me. I can't even control that, and now that this is happening, I seriously have to reconsider what kind of relationships I have with people.

I should probably end this long blog now.. Enough ranting I guess. I also have to wake up early tomorrow to rehearse my History presentation with my group members, and then head towards the mall with Julie. Which reminds me. Why is it that every morning Julie, when you liked Susie, you would deliberately wait for him and try to walk with him to class, but when I like him, you just kind of stall, and wait for Steve, Beany, and Vicky? I.. I just don't know what to say, are you honestly being considerate of my feelings? I don't even know anymore. You're sitting right next to him in class.. even though.. ugh, whatever it'd be to hard to explain my feelings properly right now, because I'm still angry at three fucking people who I honestly think don't deserved to be forgiven for what they've done. There's a lot more than what I've shared here, that's all I know for sure. Why am I even saying this when there are only five school days left for me? I don't know. I do know though, that when I finish that stupid SAT II test on Saturday, all I'm going to be thinking about is Japan. Like, not even thinking about saying my goodbyes. Just rushing off to SJSU and hurrying to start my summer. I know I'm selfish. I know right now, I don't sound like the greatest person in the world, but I'm quite bitter at what's been happening this past week, and I feel that I am justified in feeling this way.

Alright, well, hopefully, next time I post, I'll be more positive, maybe I'll have some more positive things to say. But for now, no. Goddamit. I hate Vista.

Susie, Susie, Susie

Sooo.. you guys are probably wondering why I haven't been posting so much? I've been really busy with school, swimming, carnival stuff, etc. It's been a really busy weekend, and.. It was really fun, I guess. I spent.. a lot of time with Susie, I guess? So, short breakdown...

Friday! I went to first period, and immediately after that I headed to the pool for swim finals. Dude, tons of schools were there! It was awesome. I skipped periods two to seven. I was at the pool the WHOLE DAY. Even though I only swam the first and the last event. I mean.. I could have gone to my classes, but... man, who wants to go to class when you're excused for the whole damn day? NOT ME! It was great! I was kind of sad because some swimmers were doing the AP U.S. History test and they were gone for the morning. Yeah... But, after they came, it was more enjoyable, there was actually someone to talk to at all times, so I wasn't that bored. The whole day, I kept being really nervous about my events... Well, I only had about half an hour to worry about my 200 Free, but I had about.. six hours to worry about my 100 Breaststroke. My mom came to watch, and she was almost there for the entire day! It made me so happy that my mom was actually there to support me. Because she was there, my breaststroke dropped by nine seconds! It was awesome to have her support there, although she wasn't there to watch me.. Yeah.. Susie.. was really nice to me that day. It really made me happy, but at the same time.. it made me question what his real feelings were. Is he just playing with me..? I don't know. At the end of the meet, Eddie gave me a ride home. It was really funny, 'cause I didn't want his mom to actually drive into the little roads, so she just dropped me off near Sierra and I just jaywalked across to my street.

Saturday! I woke up early because I had to get to the meet by 9:00 A.M. The meet started at about 10:00 A.M. and we needed time to warm-up. The morning was a bit slow, but it was quite enjoyable. Everybody was there and because of swim finals, I think I've bonded with a lot of swimmers. But... the thing is, bonding for a couple days.. if we don't ever talk again.. there's no point. I really do love the people on the swim team and I would be sad if we never talked again. So, my mom came again, yay! But my aunt came with my cousin for swim lessons. So she came to watch for a bit. After that, I just sat with the swimmers, listening to music, playing DS, etc. It was fun. The first event I swam in was the 200 Medley Relay. I swam Breaststroke, but our team wasn't very fast.. It made me sad, kinda. I hope that I can improve so that I won't be the person dragging our team relay down. So, after that, I thought I'd be waiting around the whole day until my 200 Free relay because I didn't make my individual events, but.. oh my.. Kristen, our coach, came to tell me that I'd be swimming in Heat 2 Lane 4 of 100 Breaststroke.. OH MY GOD. What happened?! Apparently, one person dropped out, and so the alternatives were up to swim in the event but.. THEY WEREN'T THERE EITHER. So, I was the one after that.. and obviously, I was the alternative. I was totally not prepared for that, so I was really nervous and anxious, but just like yesterday, I dealt with it. I actually gained four seconds.. which means I'm not a very consistent swimmer. I knew that already, though. At the end of the meet, I found out that Girls Varsity ranked second! We probably only lost to Prospect because.. Prospect had a diving team. What the heck, right? I mean, it's not even fair because they get points for diving.. most schools don't have a diving team...

After the swim meet, our team headed towards the carnival to hang out. I met with Julie for a bit, and after Brandon and Kevin came, we left and headed to Jamo's house. After that, May's mom came to pick us up and we headed to Red Robins. I... that burger was so huge... The fry refills.. Yeah, after that, we walked around Eastridge, and I bought a top from Forever 21. Haha, while we walked to and from stores, or just walking in general around the mall, a couple times, Susie would walk next to me! I mean.. I don't know if he even noticed it.. but it made me a bit giddy. After that, I headed home, and I went home with Eddie, Travis, Justin, and some other dudes. Eddie dropped off Travis and the dudes at Hikido, and after that, I was dropped off almost exactly across the street from my home street. Like yesterday, I jaywalked and was home!

Sunday.. today... was fun. I woke up around 11:30 A.M. and went to get ready to go to my school carnival. Today, we planned to do face painting for kids who were attending the carnival. I was the first swimmer there! When I first set up with Vicky, Caroline, Kristen, and Ben.. a little girl and her dad came and the little girl wanted to get a tiger on her face.. She chose May's design.. and May wasn't here to paint. So I was thinking.. "Oh my god, I'm going to mess up.. Oh my god, the little girl is going to cry.." but it actually turned out okay! It looked really cute, and I was happy that she liked it. I painted on a lot of little kid's and swimmers' faces. One little boy asked for an elephant tatoo, and it was just the cutest thing ever! I put a wet towel over his arm, and after that I told him to count to 30. Obviously, I counted with him, but it.. was so adorable! The most unexpected request for face painting was.. Patrick Star from Spongebob. After hearing that.. I was like.. How am I going to draw that..? The kid seemed happy though. And the whole day I snuck glances at Susie. I hoped he didn't notice..? Maybe? Yeah. At the end of the day, we kept tatooing each other with Vicky's tatoos. I have a couple. Haha, overall, it was a really fun day.

I came home, and did some stuff, showered, and now, I'm at my cousin's house, typing away on my little cousin's laptop which he let me borrow for a bit. He's so adorable. He has the "asian" haircut.. I'll find a picture later. He's so adorable! I guess that's it for now, until next time! The best part about this weekend was I got to see Susie Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Some of you more keen people probably can figure out who he is by now.. but, keep it a secret okay? It's a secret between the two of us! Maybe one day he'll read this and figure it out, but that time isn't now, so Hah.

Fried

Eh.. Today wasn't a very productive day.. I woke up, and checked my e-mail at 6:40 in the morning. Turns out, I received an e-mail from a girl named Emi. About.. four to five.. months ago I think? I posted on a site asking for some pen pals who could help me with my Japanese, and in return, I would help with their English. She seems nice, but I guess we'll just have to see about that.

Mom drove me to school. Where I waited in front of the D-Commons so I could go take my AP Calculus AB exams. Our proctor.. had the most asian accent ever. He even stumbled on very easy words. All in all, a terrible and unclear proctor. I wonder who decides who proctors each exam..? The multiple-choice no calculator section was easy, but holy crap, the free response questions.. I didn't get any of them at all. I'm screwed. Crap. The test lasted from ~8:15 am - 12:30 pm. The test took a very long time. Calculus has fried my brain. I can hardly think straight, and I'm going to take a nap after this.

Last night, I signed up to take the SAT IIs, subject tests. The only school left was Logan HS, which is in Fremont. Oh my god, I have to wake up early on a Saturday. To take the damn SAT IIs.. God, that is so annoying..

I'm still waiting for news on my host family, but I'm attending the general orientation on May 16th, at Berkeley's Tilden Regional Park, or something like that. Hopefully by then, I'll have heard something about my host family. Now that I know I'm going.. I'm worrying about finishing up my school work so that I can survive this year with my GPA still intact. It's bad that I keep slipping in a lot of my classes...

I have a seven page research paper due tomorrow. On conformity. I haven't started yet. I'm screwed. Argh, wish me luck guys, but for now, it's time to take a nap.

Lets do the Dishes!

Today, I told my mommy I loved her. Haha, it may seem silly, but I'm truly grateful that she loves me. I pretend not to see it sometimes, but it's hard to ignore it when it's as clear as day. She paid for the remainder of the tuition and she's also stopped bugging me about career choices, etc. I'm so happy that it's been so cool with my parents recently. I know it must be hard for them because this is the first time that I'll be gone for such a long period of time. The longest I've ever been away from home is about a week.. and to have that length multiplied by six.. coming so soon, it must be tough for them. I know that during my exchange, I'll change a lot too, but I don't think I'll ever love my parents less, although I'll have another pair of parents, I'll love them the same, if not more when I return. Ah, this seems like such a sentimental post.

I'm thinking of making an actual calendar with all my due dates and stuff for this month.. It's so busy, it'd help me keep on track, and it'd also give you guys an idea of just how busy May is for me. I'm not just whining about this stuff. I promise. Haha, goodness, instead of doing homework, I'm making a calendar instead.. I'm so bad. The extent of my procrastination.. where will it end?

I blog to procrastinate. I play games to procrastinate (after this, I'm heading over to my bro's room so we can play some Samurai Warriors, LAWL). I listen to music to procrastinate.. ah. So bad. Which reminds me! I had the most awesome dream last night, haha. It was great. So, I received a call from YFU telling me my parents were in a hotel somewhere in Japan. They gave me the address, and off I went, to go stay with them on their short vacation. After arriving at the hotel room.. no one was there! I was disappointed, but opened the door with they key I had gotten from YFU. A few minutes later, my mom calls and tells me my family is coming.. and they magically appear at the door. She tells me everyone is staying in the hotel room, to which I respond, "Mom. You can't. The host family paid for this, it's their money! You need to stay in another room!" After that, my mom, dad, brother, and sister rented another room in the hotel and they disappeared.

So, with my family gone, and me bored, I popped in a movie to watch. Lo and behold, a knock comes at the door! I open it to see.. Who else but DBSK?! Haha, at this point, I was thoroughly enjoying my dream. DBSK in my hotel room? Bring it. They invited themselves in and we started eating dinner. I don't remember why they came.. they must've had a good reason. But anyways, after everyone was done, I gathered the plates on the table, and.. OMG. JaeJoong wrapped his right arm around my shoulder and led me to the sink. <3 Haha, he even gave my shoulder a little squeeze! I washed the dishes with him. I just think that's so adorable! And then after that, we went to the theaters to watch a movie; the same movie I was watching before DBSK had arrived. Wth? XD Yeah. And then I woke up because my cell phone was ringing--Mom was calling me to wake up. That was 6:30. I fell back asleep and woke up at 6:55 to get ready for school.

Well, I must admit, that's the most awesome dream ever, but how likely is it that it'll happen in real life? Probably .000000000000000001%. Like 1 out of a billion chance that it'll happen. Seriously. Haha. I washed dishes with JaeJoong.. and he had his arm around my shoulder.. Ah, I can still imagine it. And for some reason, the hotel room had a kitchen and a dining room and a living room... The kitchen sink reminded me of my home kitchen sink, I think. I was too distracted by JaeJoong to care though. Ah, what else will my mind come up with?

Yeah, I think that's it. Nothing much for today. I gotta get ready for a Calculus AP exam tomorrow morning. Cramming at this point won't help anyways. I hope I do well.. I know I'm going to fail though.. Eff. I may update this post with a calendar of what I'm doing this month. Procrastination at its finest.. what did I tell you? Anyways, till then.

Don't Fuck with Me

God. I feel like at any moment now, the world is going to cave in around me. My schedule is just so packed this month, I have no clue how I'm going to accomplish ANYTHING at all. My mom sent in the scholarship payment, so right now, all I have to do is go to the bank and exchange some money so I have spending money when I'm over there in Japan. Hopefully, I bring enough--I doubt it-- so that I can buy what I want, but also bring back souvenirs. It's going to be my money anyways. My family is probably going to help out with paying for the cost of the scholarship, but I feel so bad for depending on them for the money. I really want to get a job, so I can quickly pay back my parents. Mostly my mom. I know she's always fussing and nagging about the cost of living being too expensive, and I know what she's implying, but underneath all that, she really does support me. For that, I'm glad.

Today, I got an SAT practice exam from my Chemistry teacher. Instead of taking it, I'm blogging. Ah, the joys of procrastination. Registration for the Subject Tests are over after May 5, and anytime after that there must be a late fee paid to register. I'm hoping I score pretty well on this practice test so that I can sign up and do well on the real thing. Hopefully. I just feel so busy this whole entire week. I feel pressured to do well in school, pressured to do well in swimming.. There's just so much going on.

I took a nap this afternoon. Right afterschool, after checking my e-mail and other sites for updates, I hopped into bed and napped until 7:30. I woke up and then showered and then went to go eat, and now am writing this blog. I feel bad for missing out on sleep. It makes me a crabby person, and feeling angry and tired is not fun. Preferably, I'd like at least eight to ten hours of sleep, but that's probably wishful thinking. The one good thing though, was I fell asleep listening to Dong Bang Shin Ki, specifically, I fell asleep to a verse JaeJoong was singing. Which is even better. Ah, drifting off into wonderland with JaeJoong in my ear, heaven~

Which reminds me of what happened in History class. So, after French, I walked into my History class and sat down. Mr. Marchand announced to us that our group meetings (we needed 10 for our portfolio) counted during class too. Which made him not as much of an asshole for assigning this project. God. And then I had to ask him what would happen because I wasn't going to be present. He told me that.. I'd just have to miss what I miss. Goddammit. That made me paranoid the whole damn period during our group meeting. It doesn't make matters any better, but I've realized that if I divide this project into manageable chunks that even some of my.. less able team members will be able to accomplish this. Afterschool, i had to talk to him about me missing school for a week again.. and then he said he'd have to kill me. Alright, at this point in my head I was screaming and cussing him out, but I just nodded me had and said "Uh.. huh?" After doing that a couple times, he was like.. "I'm just fucking with you. -laughlaugh-" WHAT THE FUCK. YOU DON'T DO THAT TO A STUDENT WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT HER FUCKING GRADE ENOUGH TO COME FUCKING TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT. God. Marchand. Don't fuck with me. Seriously.

Well, that's about it. I made flash cards for hirigana and katakana, and some kanji. I'm trying to have some kanji down before I leave so that I'm not ill-prepared for the explosion of kanji when I arrive in Japan. All in due time, I'm sure. Aiyeah.

Overwhelmed

It's been a while. I guess. So many good and bad things have happened.. and so I'm kind of just neutral right now. This whole week has been filled with.. a whirlwind of events. And now I realize my May has gotten a whole lot busier because there's only about a month of school left..

Anyways, on April 28, Tuesday, I believe, I received my letter from YFU, informing me I had won the Okinawa Peace Scholarship. It was the best moment. Ever. I've been milling over the idea of me in Japan.. for a whole summer. It's sad that I didn't get the full scholarship, but, beggars can't be choosers, now, can they? I really appreciate the fact that I won a scholarship at all. It's amazing. I haven't got any information on my Host Family yet. Oh yes, for the sake of censoring.. haha.. censoring.. Anyways, I'm making a new blog for my homestay in Japan, so that my regular blog stays just that. Regular. [Link]

As soon as I got the letter though, my mom just.. all of a sudden decided she wanted to talk to me about future careers that I may end up wanting to go for. Immediately, she commented, "When you go over to Japan, you'll see how expensive it is, and so why don't you start thinking a bout a job that will make you a lot of money?" And she really said it in a condescending tone. I do not like it when people try to tell me what to do with my life. I know my mom means well, and she wants me to grow up with a good, stable job, living a good life, but honestly, if I wanted to be some starving artist on the street then, goddammit, that's what I'm going to be. My mom just doesn't understand that I want to choose my own way, and that choosing a career means choosing the job you're going to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life. Even when I try to explain this to her, she brushes it away, saying that "Fun isn't everything." I don't want to go to a job I hate every day and go home bitter and angry.

Enough about my mom, I now have to deal with this constantly until I leave for Japan. If I'm leaving at all. The partial scholarship only covered two-thirds of the cost of the trip, so now my parents have to pay $2000 for me to go. It's certainly a lot, and to be honest, I don't know if my parents can afford to pay that money for me to go. We'll see I guess. Payment is due in about a week, and so I'll see if I make the deadline...

School has been okay. As okay as school can get anyways. Now with the Swine Flu going around, everybody's been extra cautious with a lot of things. We had STAR testing all week long this week, and next week I'll have to start thinking about AP testing. God, so many things going on. I also have a 2000 point project that was assigned to me in History class. I now refer to it as my "fucking project" because my stupid teacher assigned us groups. I don't even work well with members in my group. Goddammit, if it isn't bad enough, I'm borderline A- in his stupid class, and this project will either make or break my grade. It's 30% of our semester grade, and we only have a month. One month. To get it together, and do all this other shit that needs to be done with the project. I feel like bashing my head in. I hate him. I hate my history teacher. I seriously do.

In other news, now that it's May, I have Fanime to look forward to, but in the end, I might end up worrying about my fucking project to have any fun at the con. And what with Swine Flu going around.. and the threat of contracting the virus from a bunch of strangers who are going to be breathing the same air I'm breathing is kind of.. unnerving. I also need to finish my cosplay up if I want to go.. Yeah.. I really need to finish. Twenty days may seem like a lot, but in all honesty..? It's not. And my stupid skirt that I'm working on is just bugging the hell out of me. I've ironed the pleats on that thing at least 4 times. Each time did not look good, which meant me ironing the pleats out, and then trying to iron some better pleats in. It takes me at least a half hour to an hour to iron the goddamn pleats out, and at least the same amount of time to iron new pleats in. This sucks.

Yeah. I guess that's about it for now. I'm going to need counseling after this month is over. It's so busy, I think I'm going to need a planner or SOMETHING to keep me on track. Schools almost over. AP testing. The fucking project is due in a month. Fanime. Preparing for my trip to Japan. Taking my finals early because I leave before school lets out. Damn. It's going to be a long month. FML.

Chasing a Shadow

Wow. I haven't updated in a while. Life's been.. eh.. full of things that have been keeping me occupied.

Last week, during Spring Break, my orchestra went down to Anaheim for the Heritage Festival, and four days of fun!

Or so I thought.

Seriously? For me, I just felt like I was constantly trying to catch the attention of one person, who shall remain unnamed. Julie probably knows. Haha, who am I kidding? She knows. Well, we left on Thursday, early in the morning. 6:30 A.M. early. We loaded up the coach bus, and we were off~ I sat next to a dude named George, who.. used my shoulder as a pillow half-way through the ride. Eck. I mean.. I don't really mind, but at least TELL ME FIRST?! His head kind of just went.. -plop- and I was thinking, "Ew, wtf?" Well, anyways, the ride down there, I was playing my ds with Eddie, Brian, Wendy, and Felicia, playing Mario Party, Tetris, and what not, and listening to my Zune. After about.. six or seven hours? We were at Magic Mountain!

The moment I stepped off that bus.. I followed him. Ugh. I sound like a lost dog. I hung out with his group of friends and stuff.. sort of. They turned out to be really cool guys, but it was really awkward because I was the only girl in the group, and sometimes I felt really excluded. But that's just me. Maybe I'm imagining some things? Maybe not. I also had other reasons for going with this group. One would be because guys are more likely to go on roller coasters, so I didn't want to worry about someone staying behind because they were too "scared" to go on it. That day was really fun, but tiring, and at 6:30~6:45 ish, we headed back to the bus to head towards our hotel, which was the "Anaheim Park Hotel." It was pretty nice there.

When we got to the hotel, after about.. an hour of driving? After unpacking and stuff, I headed towards the guys' room to see what they were going to get for dinner. We ended up walking to Carl's Junior which was kind of, not really, close. And then we had to go back to our rooms for curfew after we came back. I showered hung out with Vicky, Caroline, and Tracy before going to bed. Vicky likes to steal my blanket! I was glad no one in my room snored. Haha, I was out like a log. One thing I notice is that when I'm on trips where I'm not with family, I'm a really light sleeper. Something I learned just last week, surprisingly.

Friday and Saturday was Disneyland. Hung out with the same group of guys again. Oh dear, Friday NIGHT, the guys wanted to go on Splash Mountain. What could I do but follow them? Eddie was an idiot. Forced me to sit in front of the log. I was so close to crying the whole damn ride. It totally ruined my day. Ah well, it's done and over with. Whatever. After the ride, though, I was soaked. It was totally not fun. I think Kevin let me borrow his jacket, which was really sweet of him. Saturday morning, we woke up at 5 A.M. Holy crap, that was super early. We had to get ready for our performance in the morning because we were the first group up to perform. It went okay. That night was the awards ceremony, and it was totally lame. One school kept getting all the awards. Why? BECAUSE THEIR SCHOOL SPECIALIZED IN PERFORMING ARTS. It made me so angry that other schools like Independence wasn't given a chance at all.

Sunday I packed, hopped on the bus and went home. On the way back, we stopped by Pismo beach, and I built a sand castle, just for Julie! You better like it, you butt. I spent like.. thirty~thirty-five-ish minutes making that sand castle, and my legs were trembling from supporting my weight the entire timmeee. Oh well. Here is the picture!

Yeah. It was an okay sand castle. I had to build it all by myself, and wasted the first ten minutes 'cause I was too close to the waves. Which made me feel extremely stupid. After that, I rushed all the way back to the bus, stopping by the souvenir shop to buy my family some stuff. Back on the bus, we had to wait an extra fifteen minutes because some of the students were late, which was a really stupid idea because if we were there any longer, the bus driver would've been fined, and the students who were late would have to pay it.

That was basically Disneyland, summed up in a couple of paragraphs.

This last week has been really hectic, what with the grading period ending soon and everything else, I've just been loaded with so much Chemistry and Calculus, and History. Shit, if I ever survive this, I'll do something. I swear.

This next week is all about STAR testing. From Tuesday to Friday, we have STAR testing. I wish I was a senior, because they aren't taking it! Ah, and this week, the letter from YFU is supposed to come, or estimated to come anyways. I hope I win at least one scholarship.. It's all I think about now.. That and JaeJoong.. haha. Yeah, I'm constantly thinking about if I got in or not, and where I would be if I got accepted.. and what my host family is like. If I receive a letter saying I got in, the first thing I'd do is look for info in the packet about my host family! Then I'd proceed to writing them an e-mail or a letter, or SOMETHING to contact them. That would be so exciting.

I guess that's enough for now. The biggest event this month was my trip to Disneyland, but once I get the letter, this month will be monumental. I absolutely can't stand the wait anymore!

Façade

Sometimes, I have to think real hard about who I am. I've always portrayed myself as someone who is really "happy-go lucky." I'm always cheery, always happy. It may be too presumptuous for me to say this, but I feel like people really depend on this aspect of me. If I was no longer happy.. what would happen? Mornings would be dull, everyone would more tired... Can I really say that? Do I have that much of an impact on people?

It just got me thinking. When I'm neutral, I smile. When I'm irritated, I smile. When I'm sad, I smile. What is my life? What have I been doing hiding behind this fake image that I've built of myself? I feel that if I were to take down this barrier, people would run and hide because of the ugliness of my character. It may not happen, but I fear it so much that I can't help myself from hiding further and further away from the real world.

What got me thinking like this? I honestly have no idea. Maybe it was because I was looking through all my old pictures. I look like I'm really really genuinely smiling, but the thing is.. I wasn't. Half the time, I knew I just pulled the corners of my lips up, crinkled my eyes a bit and ta-da. Smile.

My new mission is to start showing others more of myself.. I guess I should grow up, and stop thinking to please others--it is, afterall, my own life. Just a bit at a time.. and possibly, I'll get there one day.

Can I really stop smiling for my own sake? God, I don't know anymore, I'm tired, my head is running around in circles..

Don't Lose to Yourself

So, I got home from swimming a couple of hours ago, and have NOT done any homework yet.. wait. I lied. I did some English homework, but that was the short story.. which was fun to do, so would that count? Anyways, I still have to do my part of my history homework, chemistry homework, study for calculus, do AP worksheets, holy shit I'm screwed.

Well. Enough about homework, I'm just going to dig myself into a pit of despair over it. I'll talk about school. We had a minimum day schedule today, and a Code Red in Period 4; a Code Red is when there is someone dangerous on campus, and all classrooms are in lock-down mode. Doors are barricaded, an area is barricaded for students, etc. It was so lame when the police went to our class.. All the did was open the door, look inside and go "Okay, thank you!" I was thinking.. Okay.. what just happened.. Is that it? What the heck is going on now? So basically, the drill was a waste of time. I remember in middle school, the police actually tried to force their way into the classrooms, which resulted in many chairs that were stacked up to fall, but they still didn't get through--we were too good. Yeah. It was a waste of class time.

I also went through a cellphone scare this morning. In my third period class, I realized my cellphone was missing. I freaked out. During lunch, I retraced all my steps, went into my first and second period classes to see if they had seen anything. Nothing. Holy crap, I was so scared I dropped it on my way from second to third period, and some random dude picked it up and was going to sell it for some sum of money.. My parents were going to be furious when I told them. Of course.. I was planning to tell them.. I think? No, in all honesty, after lunch, Tiffany came up to me and asked me if I had received my cellphone back. I told her no, and she told me that my friend Julie was keeping it for me. At that moment.. you have no idea how happy and relieved I was. It was unbelievable. And then I realized the assistant teacher in Calculus is horrible. We spent twenty minutes.. twenty minutes on one homework problem that she could not solve. Our class is so screwed for the AP test. Shit, I'm behind as it is, it's no good to be even MORE behind with Mrs. Copes not teaching us..

I was pleasantly surprised when I walked into French and my teacher wasn't there. Goodness, I was happy. It's not like I hate my French teacher, it's just that he's not very good at teaching. Yeah. At least Mrs. Ochuzzo was like.. okay-ish, even though she was hella hard. After that, I went to History and tried to put my group project together. We got the boards, started cutting out pictures. I took the board home and will start to do my time line part after.. I feel like it. After class let out at.. one o'five-ish, I headed to the parking lot where I saw a couple of people from swimming. We hung out, talked, and then I went to sit in Sam's car. For a while, we just sat there, listening to music, talking, etc. but then, we had to leave, so everyone split into their cars while Catherine, Travis, Eddie, Brian, and Dan were in Sam's van. The ride down to Prospect was okay. It could've been better.

Prospect.. has a tiny pool. Four feet deep with diving blocks. How do those kids do it? I was so scared to dive in for the first time... I was scared I would hurt myself or something along those lines. It freaked me out because I had never dived in such a shallow pool before. The meet was a lot of fun, I kind of improved my times (I guess), and the most important part was that I didn't lose to myself. But, it did improve my mood when I beat the other team's JV boys during the 400 relay. It felt so great sprinting to the end.. Swim meet ended without a lot of complications, and we dressed and went home. Like before, I packed my stuff into the back of the van, and sat in Sam's car, waiting for others to come so we could start to leave. When I got off the van.. Holy shit. My poster board was.. was.. bent. I seriously wanted to know who would bend the poster board. I purposely put it in a spot where no one would jam their damn bag into the spot. Fuck. I wanted to cuss the person out. It made me so made because not only am I the leader of our History group, it was my responsibility to look after the boards. God. I wanted to seriously hit someone. It made me so irritated.

I'm okay now. I think. Oh well, I probably should shower and start on my history project. Oh yes, today I was treated to a real sight. :> I saw Susie sleeping! Haha, his sleeping face is so adorable. Makes me want to pinch his cheeks. Or at least go up to him and offer him my shoulder, so he could use it as a head rest. Aww, so adorable. Okay. Enough of me being such a gushy girl. Euck. Waiting for letters suck. I've checked everyday in the mailbox to see if the package/letter from YFU had come. Still no sign. Hopefully, I'll get it before I leave for Anaheim. That would be the best present ever.

I'm also planning to bake Katherine Red Velvet Cupcakes for her birthday! Her birthday is on the day we leave for Disneyland, so i plan to bake her them so she can eat them for lunch or something. Even though she says she doesn't want anything.. I mean come on? Who doesn't want anything for their birthday? When I found out others got another person a birthday gift on the same day as my birthday.. I felt terrible, because I knew those people knew that my birthday was on that day as well.. they even asked me to pitch in for the birthday present. WHY? Of course I didn't. It made me feel like crap that no one even went up to me with a "Happy Birthday, Anna!" I mean, even THAT would have satisfied me. But, it was all better when Julie gave me a present. Sorta.

Ah, this is getting quite long. I'll end with a nice quote I found while browsing through a forum full of Japanese phones--they were quite nice, by the way!

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."

Round and Round

Sometimes, life just doesn't go the way you want it to. Especially proven by the times that you have turned around, and life hits you--square in the face.

My life's been pretty busy, I presume. Swim practice, swim meets, Calculus tests, waiting for SAT scores, waiting for YFU's letter, etc. Lots of things have been going on, and I just can't help but feel overwhelmed with the fact that Junior year is almost over. In approximately nine-and-a-half weeks, I'll be done with Junior year. I'll be done with three-fourths of my high school life. I feel like I should be excited.. but I can't be.

I got my SAT scores today, and to be completely honest, I felt terrible. I know that my score was above average but.. honestly? I felt that I could've gotten the score I was aiming for--it was not an impossible ideal. I won't disclose the score here, because everyone will just then think I'm petty, but yeah. Just know that I did not get the score I wanted, and no it was not a 2400 that I was aiming for.

Can I even begin to explain to everyone the anxiety I've been going through? It's now April. April 7th to be exact. Youth For Understanding has begun sending out acceptance letters and rejection letters of scholarships. I am going to be one of the hundreds, possibly thousands(?), of students they are going to reply. What if I don't get the scholarship? I can't answer this question. The only reason I've been keeping myself healthy/sane/etc through all this year's drama is for this one reason. To go to Japan. So the answer might be that I will fall apart. I will literally fall apart at the seams that have been holding me together for the past... six or seven months. I catch myself dreaming of Japan, wondering what my host family is like, wondering what school is like, what kind of classmates I will encounter.. all these things I have contemplated. All these things.. will be so easily swept aside by one word. Rejected. I realize that there are three more weeks of April. Three long, antagonizing weeks that I may have to wait through. That's my estimate, if the letter comes on time. I hope to god the letter I receive is large, puffy, and contains many things about the scholarship I won. But.. that's all just wishful thinking. All I can do is sit and wait--the hardest part of this process. I've been waiting for four months, you say, why can't I wait four weeks? The answer is simple. It's almost here. And I'll leave the matter at that.

Life. On the topic of life, Julie has started spending more time with me. It's quite enjoyable. Even though we're just sitting around, doing nothing, it feels great that my best friend is back. Even if we don't talk... I feel like it's completely okay, and that everything is going to be better. I rely on Julie way too much for my own good. I feel like... she's my foundation? It may be too much of me to say this because we've only known each other for about three years, but for the past three years, I've done so many things with her, shared so many secrets, experienced so many things, had so many "firsts" that it's impossible for me to ever forget her. I hope that there will never be a time when I have to--she's just that important. Anyways, Julie's been hanging out for a while. It's nice to know she's set aside time for me, it makes me feel as if I mean something as a person. God knows I don't get that feeling of appreciation anywhere else. Swimming.. I feel like shit because half the time I skip--I fully realize I can be in varsity if I actually went to practice--Calculus.. I just don't understand. It's a whirlwind of numbers.. symbols.. signs.. Yeah. At home.. I'm always being compared to my siblings. In Orchestra I feel like I don't deserve the seat I'm in.. I basically don't feel important--except when I'm with Julie. She makes me feel like I'm real, that I'm here for a purpose.. Augh, this is getting too deep. I'll save it for some other day when I feel like thinking.

On a lighter note, I've gotten back into liking Dong Bang Shin Ki (DBSK). They're totally awesome. In middle school, when they first debuted, I didn't really like them, so didn't pay much notice, but now, they're awesome. They've inspired me to take studying Japanese more seriously, and because of them, I've also begun to learn Korean. To be honest, if I actually put some effort into learning, it wouldn't be that hard, but like I said, I feel as if I can't do anything most of the time, and tend to put it off. From DBSK, my favorite would have to be JaeJoong. He's so adorable.. cute.. handsome, -insert your favorite attractive adjective here-. A lot of people tell me he's too girly, but whatever, to each their own. If DBSK ever does a live here in the US, you know, I'll be the first one to buy their tickets because they're worth every penny.

So yeah, Spring break is happening next week, and I'm absolutely excited for it. My Disneyland trip with the Orchestra group is coming up soon--I still need to pay my director the remaining $98 and return my permission slip.. FML much? Oh yes, my English teacher, Mr. Warren, has assigned us to write a short Gothic story, about four to five pages long, and if I like it enough, I'll probably post it on here for all to read.. and make fun of. It sounds absolutely fun, and I will have a delightful time with the character development.

The days get longer, the nights shorter. Oh how I wish May was here.

Allergies and Dreams

For the past week, I've been skipping Swim Practice. It's not because I don't want to swim, don't get me wrong, I love swimming! But, I've been skipping because I wanted to get this job that my mom no longer wants me to go for. Oh well. I'll do it when I'm not living under my parents roof. Haha, what a rebellious child I am..

I made me mom angry last week. I forgot what I did. But, she's not letting go out anymore, and so I can't go anywhere. I was thinking of walking to the fabric store today, I had something in mind that I wanted to make. It's not cosplay, surprisingly. I hope I can sneak out for about thirty minutes to go grab some fabric..

Yesterday, after I came home from school, my brother and sister called me down to help dry our rabbit Roy. I've been wary of Roy before, because I'm allergic to him. My eyes get really itchy and I start sneezing, etc. But I didn't pay heed to that. I sat down and fluffed his wet fur while my brother aimed the hairdryer at him, drying him up after his bath. After an hour of my sister and I trading off, I started sneezing. Uh oh. So what did I do? Obviously, I told my sister I had to go, and went upstairs to watch some of my drama.

I fell asleep, and after that, my mom woke me up around seven o'clock. Apparently, it was my Dad's birthday today, and everyone (my brother, sister, mom, and I) had to go downstairs to eat and sing happy birthday.. and get fat off birthday cake. Did I mention before I fell asleep, my eyes were really itchy, so I rubbed them a couple times? BIG mistake. I went downstairs feeling like crap and my mom comments on how swollen my eyes look. I grab my bowl of noodles and sit down in the living room and my sister says.. "Ewww" At this point, I'm like.. wtf, and my dad comes downstairs and we sing happy birthday, etc.

After all that was done, I went back upstairs to see.. Efff, my eyes were really swollen, and I looked like a freaking alien.. I never wanna play with Roy again, but he's so cute.. I have no idea what I'm going to do..

So, after all that, I went to bed for the night. I just woke up. I had a dream about receiving an e-mail from my host family on what school I was going to, who was in my host family, etc. This is driving me insane. I don't want to wait anymore, but I have to because all the applications are probably still being processed. Every time I think about it, I get scared. I start doubting whether I'm good or not to get in, and I worry. I really don't want a letter telling me I didn't get the scholarship. It would be so great if I could get the full scholarship, but there are probably tons of people who applied who are way, way better than I am. God, I hate thinking about whether I got the scholarship or whether I'm going to Japan or not. I guess I only have about two months left to go.. Halfway there.. It's been so long since January, I guess March and April will take even longer to be done with.

Anna -1 calculator.

I was putting my stuff away for school today. I was looking through the bag I carried with me to the SATs to grab my pencil case and calculator. I just found out I left my calculator at the classroom I was taking it in. Fuck.

Encore!

Oh goodness, it was such a fun week this week! Kind of.

Well, Friday was really fun. After school, Julie and I went back to my house and we went to Vinci Park, looking for a four-leafed clover on the way. (We actually never did find it..) While we were at Vinci Park, I was on the swings and we also saw a class out, but we weren't sure if it was a class or not. It was around 3:30, and I was thinking that classes never extend until the afternoon.. especially not elementary classes! The little kids were adorable, and as they were playing, we noticed that the girls were playing on one side and the boys were on the jungle gym, and we laughed, trying to remember if that was what we did when we were in elementary school.

Julie got a text from Joanna saying the he was at Subways, so we decided to head on over there, dropping by my house first, to pick up her stuff. After we were really close to Subways-we were on Berryessa- Joanna calls. Turns out, he ran home to pee. That loser. Yeah, so we stopped by Starbucks and got some drinks and started walking down towards Lundy. When we got to his house, his mom was in the front yard watering plants. After that, we walked towards Townsend park to play with this misty thingy. It was really fun. But! On the way to Townsend, we had to cross the street, and during that crossing, Joanna stopped right in the middle of the street and danced! It was hilarious! As we walked towards townsend park after that, a car drove by us with a whole bunch of guys clapping. I swear. THAT was the highlight of my day!

Joanna was so embarrassed after that.. it was really funny. When we got to the park, me and Julie sat on the tire swing and Joanna spun us around. HOLY CRAP. THAT THING GOES FAST. He wasn't helping any because he kept pushing the tire. I swear, me and Julie almost fell off! It was terribly scary! We started walking home at around 5:30 and Joanna walked me and Julie all the way back to my house, near Flickinger. Then after he dropped us off, Julie's dad had to pick her up, so she left and I was left.. all alone. -tear-

I finished my beret that night! BUT, I feel so stupid because I stayed up until 12 midnight.. and I had the SATs the morning after! Oh dear.

Saturday morning, my alarm woke me up at 6, I turned it off, went back to sleep! My mum came up to wake me up around 6:30.. and I think I fell asleep after. Around 7, I heard my mom ask if I was ready or not.. I rushed out of bed to brush my teeth, brush my hair.. yeah. I left the house around 7:30 to take the SATs at Andrew Hill. I met Phuong at the school! Turns out, she was taking the SAT test at Andrew Hill too! She ended up in the classroom next to mines, and we would talk during our breaks.

After the long test (I mean.. LONG. It started at 8 and ended ten minutes before 1) My mom drove me to In-N-Out and I ate a double-double with fries and Root Beer. Mmm..

Then proceeded to watch Mei-chan no Shitsuji, Glass Mask, and Hana Yori Dango Korea. Yeah. Dramas are the reason why I have no life.. I also finished a red beret! I learned to crochet Thursday night. I finished it and then went to bed around 2 AM in the morning. I think my alarm went off at 6 and my dad came up to my room, unplugged it and threw it at me, onto my bed.. I was half-asleep and he was yelling at me about my alarm.. Fail.

Yeah, so now it's Sunday, Jenny just dropped my wig off, and I still have a ton of homework to do, I have no idea what time it is because my clock's still on my bed.. and I better get started on what I'm supposed to be doing, lest I start to fail my classes, and never be able to go to Japan on a scholarship. I'm still waiting for YFU's letter, which won't come until late April. The anticipation is killing me. And I just lost the game.

Emotional Rant

This entry is SRSBZNS. For realz. Lots of depressing undertones. If you don't want to get depressed.. well, don't read it.

It's.. been a while hasn't it? One month to be exact. So much has happened in the span of one month. I can't even begin to describe all the things that have gone on, drama and that such. I'm still waiting for that letter from YFU. About three weeks ago, I was called out to do an interview with a volunteer with YFU and we met up at Starbucks to have the interview. Nothing much too exciting happened, it was just her firing questions and me answering them and trying to go in depth. I was supposed to go watch Coraline with my friends that day around four (my interview was at seven). I didn't go. They did. It kind of hurt, but this past month has been so.. crazy. I've kind of learned to let go. It hurts to think about painful things, but if I block it out.. it can't hurt me. I'm glad I'm thick-skinned, but I know of at least one person that can get under that thick skin and hurt me beyond recognition. It'd break me.

Said person seems to keep so many thing away from me now. I know that person doesn't mean to, but to seclude me, to brush off the topic like it's no big deal.. It's like rubbing salt into my freshly cut wounds. I haven't had time to heal them yet, and everything seems to be spiraling out of control. Not enough time, not enough time. I keep thinking that if only I had time, if only I was braver I could get past this. We have already reconciled and I must admit, it made our bond so much stronger, but now it seems that something bigger, something more ominous is coming, and it's like acid that can melt even the most sturdiest of metals..

By this time, it might be obvious as to who I am talking about, but if not, then that's okay too. I'm just really tired right now. I'm so sick. I'm sick because of stress, because of lack of sleep. I'm also hurt that I see said person not listening to my advice. I honestly care for that person's health, but to disregard it, to push their body to the limit.. Doesn't that person know I am nothing without them? The only reason I'm here, able to type this message is because that person is here, sharing the same sky.

It may sound kind of creepy to know how much I depend on this person, and I know it's a huge burden that I am putting on one individual, but.. I just can't let anyone else see me for who I am. It's too painful to bare my heart for anyone else to see except that person, and when they dismiss me with a brush of the hand or a change of topics, my heart aches. It hurts so bad, I know it's all in my head, but it feels like my heart is being pulled in hundreds of different directions, and it just strains my chest.

I'm kind of upset right now, can't you tell? Must be the cold working it's way into my body.. That, and I also started a manga in where this couple falls in love, and all these complications arise. I'm at the point where the girl slit her wrists because of many things that have gone on, things that make it so that she just can't see any reason in living. I know it's not good to drown myself on sorrow, and I know that this is stupid to be wallowing over a fictional character's problems, but thinking back on a particular person and all the things that have gone on just this month have made me a bit insane.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't cry. Don't hate me. Please, don't throw me out like Yesterday's news. To be completely honest, I have nothing without you, and I come baring my heart to you, for you to see, for you to see how I've been this past month. All these awkward moments, I don't want this anymore. I wish life were simpler. I wish it weren't so rainy. I wish it was just me and you in the sandbox, piling sand into a castle fit for princesses and princes. I wish it were just that simple.. I feel like crying for thinking of all this depressing stuff..

Chalk it up to the medicine for making me think such strange thoughts--I'm sorry.

J and S

Yes, yes, it's another blog from me. Wow, two in one week, aren't you guys lucky? Enough of that, I was going to post this yesterday, but SAT classes went until 9:00 P.M. and by the time I got home, finished my homework, and ate, I was dead tired, and it was 12:30 A.M. I hate losing my sleep time for anything so you can imagine how irritated I was this morning.

So, yesterday I was at NHS to see what our year community service activity would be, and after the meeting was over, Julie and I talked.. about stuff. So, y'all remember the guy I liked? I don't think I ever mentioned a name.. We'll call him Joanna. Well, recently, I haven't been talking to Joanna, but I still kind of like him--I think. I dunno, I guess I've been influenced by all my other terrible relationships, I just don't care about it anymore. So yeah, I dunno if I like Joanna or not. BUT Julie does. And I absolutely think it's terrific. Honestly.

You see, Susie--remember him?--doesn't really notice Julie.. either that, or he knows she likes him and doesn't want to face that fact. Yeah, so I think it's great that Julie's finally found someone that she can actually talk to. I think Joanna's a really cool person. He's actually really outgoing and fun to be around, but at the same time, he's really considerate and takes into account someone's feelings during a conversation. He's not overbearing at all, and I can totally see why Julie is starting to like him. It's great that she's finally moved on from Susie, I hope. She's such a sweet girl, and I can't imagine someone being so blatantly unaware of her feelings..

Basically, that was all I was going to share, but today, my psychology class discussed a very interesting topic. The topic we talked about was Emotions. Basically, how we express it, why we express it, and what happens when it is being expressed. All really interesting stuff. Our teacher, Mr. Sprague, started going off on a tangent about a new show on Fox, Lie to Me, and it seems pretty interesting. I'm going to have to check it out sometime.

Do YOU know when someone's lying to you? Also, are you in control of your emotions? Are your emotions controlling your decisions? Ah, very tough questions. Take a minute or two to ponder it, seriously. Behind every reason, there is at least one emotion that had made that reasoning possible. Why? Because it's just they way things are. Emotion and reason are so inextricable that even if someone were to tear the two apart, the halves would lose meaning all in itself. It's quite an interesting concept and leads to much, much more questions.

Also, lightly touching on MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) since we are on the topic of Psychology anyways. What's it like.. to be housing multiple personalities? I think only the person who actually has multiple personalities can answer, but it's very intriguing. Because the core personality feels like there is too much danger or too much stress, another personality will pull the core personality under and "take over" the body. Usually, a person does not know they have MPD unless they are diagnosed by a psychologist, and even then they could be accused of lying. There is so much more to MPD than this, and I might go over it in another blog for another day. I must get back to my homework for tonight.

Alright, since that is all of what I have to say for today, I'm done. Maybe next time, I'll actually include something interesting to you guys, and not just me.

Priorities, straight?

It's been a while since I've written. Kind of. So, last time, I wrote about Finals and so just a quick update on that, I have all A's except for my 2 AP classes, which include my Calculus AB class and English 3AP class--I have a B+ in those classes. Anyways, recently, in English we've been talking about the American Dream and.. when you actually define it.. it.. it's pretty complicated, and our class barely scratches the surface on some of the questions he's made us answer. We have to do a project on this.. Oh dear..

Oh! I managed to finish The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn! Two nights before it was due, I started on my Dialecticals, and boy am I SO glad I did. I never would've been able to finish if I didn't do that.. I also started to work on my Study Guide that night, and in the end, I finished it. I pulled an all-nighter, but it was alright because it was a Friday, and that made me pretty happy. I'm so glad I actually finished this reading assignment; unlike The Scarlet Letter which I totally left half-assed. Not like I didn't half-ass Huck Finn either.. but.. yeah.

For anime, I've started watching Kateikyoushi Hitman Reborn. It's super good, and I might actually start reading the manga after I finish watching the anime! Haha, that just tells you how good it is. ;3 I've also started playing Dream of Mirror Online--DoMO for short--and it's a really fun game. For now, I'm only interested in getting money, so I haven't been training... -coughcough- I'm pretty sure I won't get to because I've started my SAT classes now. It's terrible.

Last Saturday (January 31st) I woke up at 8:00 A.M. to get ready for my SAT class. It was the first meeting, so we were going to take a Diagnostic Exam. Oh dear, that test took four hours.. and the person who was watching us take the test only gave us a maximum of five minutes for break.. I really hope the SAT isn't like that.. I'd starve! After the exam, I went to Wendy's to grab a bite, and there my mom picked me up.

After that, I went home and relaxed a bit, played a bit of Animal Crossing on my DS and then around 5:30 P.M. I started getting ready for my concert. The concert was pretty fun, Symph. Orchestra made a HUGE mistake though... for a second there, I thought we wouldn't pull it together.. Yeah.. after that, I met up with my friends Robert, Lancing, and Lancing's boyfriend, Andrew. Lancing couldn't come with me and Robert to McDonalds.. I was so sad. I even offered to pay for her and her boyfriend too.. It was nice seeing her again though because we go to different high schools. So, Robert and I went to McDonalds after the concert to grab something to eat, and drink some nice Sweet Iced Tea.. And then he drove me home!

That's about it for my weekend.. It was pretty busy, but in the end, I got through it okay, and I even got to spend some more time with old friends, which makes me extremely happy.

Tomorrow will be my real SAT class, like.. not the test or anything... and I get to go to it straight from swim practice.. and stay there till 9:00 P.M. Joy. It's crazy, I don't think I'll be able to survive that many activities all bunched together.. I'll literally be out of the house for the whole day. If I remember correctly, my mother told me she'd be bringing food for me between the end of my swim practice and the beginning of my SAT class...

Oh yes, I remember telling myself to include a quote in this. It was something I wrote in English class that I really wanted to share because.. I really liked it; at that time anyways.. Ah yes, I found it, here it is: "They regulate our education, but to keep us 'safe' on campus, we are required to wear uniforms. They regulate our self identity and bury it beneath the colors of red, white, and blue--freedom; they do not allow our creativity to take hold. Where is our individuality?" Basically, what we had to do was have two sentences with repetition and a rhetorical question at the end of it. And obviously, the subject was school uniforms.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure I had something else to add, but I guess not. I think when I do I'll blog again, but yeah.. Maybe I'll remember soon.. lest I forget and maybe be distracted from doing my homework. Oh. I remember, and I'm adding it as the second paragraph! Alright, that IS everything now, I hope. Until next time~ Maybe I'll post one up for V-day.. or Single Awareness Day.. Goodness, this is the only day of the year that makes me wish I had a lovey-dovey relationship with someone.. or something like that.